Dr. Cox: Still, let's remember that you can't even drive the doctor car without big daddy sitting right there beside you. Because you went ahead and accidentally gave the patient over in bed four macrolides and opiates - two medications that I guarantee you are gonna make her nauseous.
Elliot: My patient is fine. And I don't need you to-
A patient is heard throwing up.
Dr. Cox: I roughly think that would be the faint sound of your patient vomiting. You may be having trouble hearing it over the much louder sound of me being right yet again. Oooooh.

J.D.: Your woman wants me so bad, we've developed our own little shorthand with each other... Mornin'!
Carla: Morning!
J.D.: That means "good morning"!
Turk: Noted.

Buddy, I get that you and Carla have been hanging out a lot, but pretending you're gonna steal her from me makes you seem sad, pathetic, and very lonely.


(Elliot begins to write out the prescription, then stops)
Elliot: There's just...one little problem.
Mr. Thompson: Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs! 'Kay, lady? For God's sake, I've been working you from every possible angle: I refused pain killers; I did the "you're the greatest doctor!" bit, which I know you loved; then somewhere between, uh, getting a tube in my ass and a tube in my mouth - which, by the way, I'm still praying wasn't the same tube - I found time to do the whole "I'm writhing in pain but I don't know if you're watching me" thing! So please, or pretty please, or however you want me to say it, Doctor, why don't you say it! Why don't you say it! Why don't you tell me what the problem is, AND SAY IT!
Elliot: Um... I was just gonna say that my pen doesn't work, and I needed a new one to write out your dosage.
Mr. Thompson: Oh... Awesome.

Elliot: So everybody treating you okay?
Mr. Thompson: Yeah! You know, the nurse that does the sponge baths, I wouldn't be shocked if she's killed before... Heeey, sunshine!
Laverne: Why don't you just calm your ass down? You was barely bleeding.
Mr. Thompson: From a bath, woman!
Laverne: Mmmm-hmmm.

J.D.'s Narration: There's nothing worse than being around two people with a history.
Ron: So did Sherry and Steve ever get married?
Carla: You didn't hear what happened?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Please say you heard.
Dr. Ramirez: No, I didn't!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Damn you, Ron!
Carla: Steve took a year off to take care of his parents, and while he was gone, Sherry starting seeing Dr. Harding.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Nooooo!
Dr. Ramirez: Really!?
Carla: Yes!
Dr. Ramirez: Sherry and Gary?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Nooooo!
Carla: Yes! But, that summer, they took a river rafting trip through the Grand Canyon and they both drowned.
J.D.: Oh, thank God!... You know, 'cause they... they both died doing what they loved... Rafting.

Turk: You want my fiancée? Just go ahead and take her, 'cause she's been nagging the crap outta me. "Pick up your socks. Wash your dishes. Stop whispering 'booya' to J.D. in the morning after we have sex."
J.D.: How else am I supposed to know?
Turk: I'm sayin'!

Mr. Thompson: I have to say, with Dr. Reid, here, I know we're finally gonna get to the bottom of things. She is one terrific doctor.
Dr. Kelso: So this pain you're having is making you delusional.
Mr. Thompson: No. Why?
Dr. Kelso: No reason.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid! Why are you using standard macrolides to treat your patient instead of Clovaritol?
Dr. Cox: Ohh! Clovaritol is a drug? Now, honestly, Bob, here I was under the impression that it was a travel agency, what with all the free golf trips they've gone ahead and sent you on.
Dr. Kelso: I'll have you know that I do not authorize any drug for this hospital that I haven't personally researched.
Elliot: What did the research for Clovaritol say, sir?
Dr. Kelso: When life's not fair at all... use Clovaritol.

God, my brilliance is now becoming somewhat of a burden. Get back to me.

Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Check out Barbie bo-hody slamming big Bob! Atta girl!
Elliot: Look, I have spent the last three years in this hospital getting pushed around because I'm "little Barbie from Connecticut!" But there is a new toy in town, and her name is Bitch-Slap Barbie!... From Connecticut.

J.D.: Kudos on the nice pooper.
Ron: Thank you.
J.D.: Mine's firm like mutton.
Ron: Lovely.

Scrubs Season 3 Episode 17 Quotes

Carla: Go ahead, look.
Turk: Really, baby?
Carla: Yeah. Besides, you're cutting up your napkin.

J.D.'s Narration: I guess you can never underestimate how the smallest gesture can make everything better.
J.D.: You know, for a minute there I actually thought you had a twin brother.
Janitor: Really?
J.D.: Mm.
Janitor: Was it when my twin brother was here?
J.D.: Stop it.