Janitor: Hey, either of you guys see my twin brother?... Hey, I asked you a question!
Turk: You're better than this!

J.D.: Yo, if you're captain out there today, pick me first, and then I'll be like, "Dude, we always play together!" Then you can pick who you really wanted to pick, but everyone else will think you wanted to pick me first.
Turk: When do you think of this stuff?
J.D.: Every minute of every day.

Elliot: I don't get it. I've run every single test; I cannot figure out why this guy is in so much pain.
Dr. Cox: Did you run a D-U-H test?
Elliot: What's a "D-U-H"?
Dr. Cox: Uh, duuuuuh! The guy is a drug addict trying to score pain killers.
Elliot: But he refused drugs.
Dr. Cox: Mm! My bad! He is a very clever drug addict.

Dr. Cox:Look, I hate to question your three years of wisdom, but your pain guy is just like a million other drug addicts walking the hospitals every year with their aches, and their pains, and their spasms, and their cramps, and their myalgia, and their neuralgia, and their otalgia, and their every other -algia they can possibly think of just so they can get a fix.
Elliot: Well, I believe in this guy.
Dr. Cox: Would you like to go out on a limb? Sign him in, keep him overnight?
Elliot: You know, Dr. Cox, you think that you have seen it all and done it all, but guess what? Heh. You haven't done me!
Dr. Cox: Give her a second there, gang.
Elliot: That didn't come out right.
Dr. Cox: Go!

Elliot: Now, I suspect you've got pancreatitis, so we're gonna run some LFTs and do an ultrasound, but in the meantime I am going to prescribe you something for your pain.
Mr. Thompson: No, no, no, no, please. Please, don't sweat it. I'm used to the pain. Besides, my mom is bringing by the kids later, and I figure there should be at least one sober adult in the room.
Elliot's eyes widen, but he quickly buffers starts laughing. She joins in.
Mr. Thompson: No, seriously, she's a drunk.
Elliot: Ew, sorry. Heh.
Mr. Thompson starts laughing again. She joins in.
Elliot: Oh, you!
Mr. Thompson: Stop it.

Carla: Excuse me. I am talking about that man's ass?
Turk: Gotta go.
Carla: You know, 'cause it's such a fine, chiseled, dig-your-fingernails-into-it kinda ass!
Turk: Babe, he probably works out.

Carla: Mm! Mm! MM!
Turk: It's good, isn't it? That's because every time Estelle's working, she puts extra croutons into the stuffing.
J.D.: And yet the salads always suffer...

Carla: So I'm supposed to marry someone who can stare at women for the rest of my life?
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.

Turk: What the hell are you doing?
"Roscoe"(Janitor wearing a mustache): Me? Nothing, man. Just waiting for my brother to get off work. Maybe you know him! He's a janitor here? My name's Roscoe.
Turk: Why is he doing that?
J.D.: I think he gets bored.

J.D.'s Narration: When you work in a hospital, you can count on an ever-changing roster of new faces. Whether it's the new flower lady who winks too much... or the plastic surgeon who's returned after spending three years fixing cleft palates in third world countries.
Dr. Kelso: So, if any of you are interested in following in the philanthropic footsteps of Dr. Ramirez, he has graciously offered to answer any of your questions.
All the doctors stare at him for a second, then leave
Dr. Kelso: I told you no one would care.

Carla: Turk, how come every time I turn around you're checking out some woman's you-know-what?
J.D.: Tushie parts?
Turk: Thanks for having my back.

Carla: I gotta give Mr. Ingram his meds so, latah!
J.D.: Latah!... That means "I'll be seeing you later."

Scrubs Season 3 Episode 17 Quotes

Carla: Go ahead, look.
Turk: Really, baby?
Carla: Yeah. Besides, you're cutting up your napkin.

J.D.'s Narration: I guess you can never underestimate how the smallest gesture can make everything better.
J.D.: You know, for a minute there I actually thought you had a twin brother.
Janitor: Really?
J.D.: Mm.
Janitor: Was it when my twin brother was here?
J.D.: Stop it.