Jill: The last time I saw you, I was really stressed out - you know, the weight of the world on my shoulders... So guess what I did?
Elliot: Quit your job!
Jill: Flushed my fish down the toilet! No more feedings, no more cleaning the bowl... No more being judged for having a second glass of wine...
Elliot: Oh, don't even get me started on judgmental fish!
Jill: Uh-huh. But then that sent me on this whole shame spiral, so I decided to travel. I got hit on in Venice! I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro! ...For about ten minutes - it's very, very steep... And then I went to Florida to swim with the Dolphins! And I don't mean the fish! There was an NFL thing going on at the hotel!

J.D.: OH! Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time!?
Janitor: I don't jump out and scare you! I follow you around all day! I only got about an hour and a half worth of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you... like an animal.
J.D.: You're kidding, right?
Janitor: Haha... I don't know? Am I? Hmm

Turk: You ever notice how a tumor looks just like cheese?
Carla: Is that good cocktail conversation?
J.D.: I had this patient today, thought he had blood in his stool? Turned out to be pimento!
Carla: Mmgh.
J.D.: What?
Elliot: I worked on a homeless guy who vomited up an entire mitten. I mean, that's not gonna stop me from wearing mine when it's cold out!
Carla: What is wrong with you people? We have a good bottle of wine, we all look nice for once - can we please talk about something other than work? Please?
Turk: Name an actress. J.D. could tell you which movie she appeared in naked.
Carla: I'm gonna go put on my pajamas. I can't believe I shaved my legs for this

Surgeon: Patient's name is Moe Weinberg. Cancer is confined to the right testicle. Dr. Turk will be assisting with the removal.
Turk: Sorry, Moe - looks like you're about to either lose Larry or Curly!... Starting the incision.
Surgeon: Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. I'm guessing Mr. Weinberg is Jewish?
Turk: Yeah. So?
Surgeon: Why isn't he circumcised?
J.D.'s Narration: A recent medical study found that a mistake is made on about twenty percent of all patients. Most of these are clerical and harmless, but, it still adds up to a lot of near misses.
Todd: Dr. Wen wants me to ask you if there could be a mix-up? Because our appendicitis patient, that dude doesn't have an appendix!

Jill: Oh, I almost forgot! I'm engaged!... Oh, right... There used to be a ring there, but then my, uh, fiancé did some soul-searching, and we decided that it needed to be a little more fancy.
Elliot: Oh, you have no idea how happy this makes me! I've been trying to figure out how to tell you the only reason you're vomiting and exhausted is, well... you're pregnant!
Jill: I'm what, now?
Elliot: Yeah, pregnant! Your fiancé is gonna be so happy!
Jill: My fiancé and I decided not to have sex until we were married.
Elliot: So he's not gonna be so happy.
Jill: More curious, really, than happy

J.D.: So, you're gonna wanna re-wrap the gauze when it gets soiled.
Jordan: Wow, re-wrap a dirty bandage. It's phenomenal how you doctors keep all this stuff in your head.
J.D.: You know, we don't - it says it right there on the box

Ben: Hey, don't be mean to him. You're mad at me.
Jordan: Yeah, because you shouldn't be doing contracting work. You. Are. Clumsy! That's why things like this keep happening.
Ben: They don't keep happening.
Jordan: How many times have you hurt yourself with that nail-gun?
Ben: Once.
Jordan: Oh, come on.
Ben: What? With that nail-gun? It's a new nail-gun. If it'd been any other nail-gun, then, yeah, the estimate would be slightly higher

Ben: Jordan, I'll call you later, all right?
Jordan: Okay, fine. Forget it. Forget it. You big jerk!
Dr. Cox: Y'happen to remember when she used to be fun?
Ben: No.
Dr. Cox: Me neither.
J.D.: Me neither!
Dr. Cox: When spoken to, Newbie. When spoken to. Here, I thought we were clear on that one!
J.D.: Yeah, we were

Dr. Cox: Hey, Ben, you realize we haven't grabbed a beer in a couple of weeks - what's that about?
J.D.'s Narration: You know, he's never asked me to grab a beer. But I don't care...
Dr. Cox: Newbie? Would you like to come?
J.D.: Oh, God, yes

J.D.: To buddies!
Dr. Cox: What in the hell do you think you're doing!? You can't drink beer, you're our driver! That's why we brought you to begin with.
Ben: It's just not right. You know, I'm gonna drink this for both of us

Turk: I can't stop thinking about Mr. Weinberg's testicles.
Todd: Duuude.
Turk: I mean, I almost removed one of them, Todd!
Todd: Which one?
Turk: Like it matters.
Todd: Oh, it matters!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, I heard about your mishap earlier today, but here's the skinny: If that patient finds out what happened because you can't reign in your yapper, then heads are going to roll. And I promise you yours and Ted's will be the first to go!
Ted: What did I do?
Turk: Consider my lips sewn shut, sir. Which, in this hospital, could actually happen!

Scrubs Season 1 Episode 22 Quotes

J.D.: I'm just asking you to check, Franklyn, and see if you could've made a mistake.
Franklyn: Look, I've worked here seven years, and never made a single mistake!
Elliot: You mixed up my patients' urine samples yesterday!
Franklyn: Okay, I make lots of mistakes. But I really have to go to the bathroom right now, and after that I'm going to lunch

Carla: Let me ask you something. You're kind of a boob guy, right?
J.D.: Excuse me?
Carla: I can tell, because I've seen you look at mine. Um, not in a sleazy way, or anything...
J.D.: I think this is the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had!
Carla: You wanna touch one?
J.D.: I stand corrected! You're my best friend's girlfriend!
Carla: Ah, so your instinct is to pass on this fantastic one-time offer?
J.D.: I'm afraid so...
Carla: I'm up here, Bambi.
J.D.: Oh, sorry.