Jordan: Okay, why don't you show the girls around while I'm in my board meeting.
Dr. Cox: Love to. Newbie? I've got a job for you.
Jordan: No, no. No pawning them off on Radar. They want the big-boy tour.

Jordan: Aren't you a little dolled up for the movies?
Allison: If little miss co-dependent here doesn't get "shagged" every two days, she gets the shakes.
Maddie: It's true. Look.
Dr. Cox: 'Course, that could be 'cause you're sober for a change.
Maddie: Maybe!

Jordan: Sweetie, are you gonna lie around on the couch all day again today?
Dr. Cox: What am I supposed to do?
Jordan: You know what might be fun? Cleaning yourself.
Dr. Cox: I'd wash up, but I'm afraid to go in our bathroom.
Jordan: Why?
J.D.'s Narration: Jordan's best friends came to town for the funeral, and unfortunately for Dr. Cox, they still haven't left.
Maddie: Since Perry won't stop using the loo without lifting the seat, I've started to use his sink.

Female Patient: You Know, Doctor, I'm getting a little tired of the sexual innuendo.
Todd: In your end-o.

Carla: Nooooooo, Todd. The term "melons" is just as bad as "sweater meat."
Todd: Well then I am thoroughly confused!

Elliot, this woman doesn't like me. It could keep me from becoming the youngest chief of surgery in history, which could keep me from curing paralysis, which could keep me from having my birthday be a national holiday! And everyone knows I hate to work on my birthday!


Turk: Dr. Miller accused me of being sexist. Me! I'm marrying Carla - who do you think wears the pants? And the shirts...and the shoes...and sometimes my underwear.
Elliot: Really?
Turk: I said nothing.
Laverne: Mr. Roberts likes to wear my brassieres.

Dr. Kelso: See! It's working! Well, good luck with the seminar.
Carla: Oh! Dr. Kelso, you have five.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I know! I put those in myself to prove a point. If you'll notice, all the "Kelso"s are written with a lower-case "k".
Carla: No, they're not.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it was worth a shot.

Turk: Why don't you lay off Dr. Miller? And don't say "I'd like to lay on Dr. Miller."
Todd: High-five later for reading my mind!
Turk: You know, I don't think you're stupid, Todd... Even though you're washing your hands with your gloves already on.
Todd: Dammit!

J.D.: I wrote Dear Abby once in seventh grade 'cause I didn't have body hair like the other guys? By the time her response came out in Parade magazine, it was like a forest down there. Well, you know, "nothing ventured..."
Dr. Cox: Looking for streamers and a marching band, because this will be the ceremonial one-millionth time I've had to shake off something that you've said. Ahh. Yes, Newbie, I'm having a tough day. And of course I'd love to head home, but Jordan's satanic brood has taken over my apartment and no man in his right mind would dare enter that place.
J.D.'s Narration: Hmm, I should probably go to his place...

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, it's been brought to my attention that there's been some inappropriate behavior lately.
Carla: I know. I brought it to your attention.
Dr. Kelso: Anyway, it occurred to me that we can't allow this to continue.
Ted: It occurred to you because I researched case studies detailing the hospital's liability instead of going to single's night at the Korean church by my house!
Dr. Kelso: Ted's sad life aside, I have decided that you are going to run a sexual harassment seminar.

Turk: Todd, let's get off on the right foot.
Dr. Miller: Hey! It might just be 'cause my expectations are low, but you guys did not suck in surgery yesterday.
Todd: Well, as long as your expectations are low, maybe we should have sex!
Turk: Perfect.
Dr. Miller: I'm concerned about you. I think you hold us women responsible for the fact that your mommy didn't pay attention to you, and if you don't get help, you'll eventually start picking up prostitutes and killing them.
Elliot: I've always wanted to say that to him!

Scrubs Season 3 Episode 15 Quotes

Todd: Gotta grab those.
Dr. Kelso: No!
Staffer: Ugh!
Dr. Kelso: Remember, we look... but we don't touch.
Todd: Okay.

Dr. Cox: You know, honey, I'm-I'm here now, if you-if you want your friends to leave.
Jordan: We're getting chemical peels tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Okay.