Dr. Kelso: Hello Miss Goldman! I'm your doctor.
Ms. Goldman: Don't you mean my doctor's great, great, great, great grandfather? You're old!
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I got that.

Turk: I can't go to a carnival. It reminds me of Carla!
J.D.: Why?
Turk: Dude! "Carnival"! Remove the "niv" and switch the "l" and the "a" and you got "Carla"!

Janitor: Gentlemen, Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together for one reason: I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine.
Randall: Burn down her apartment.
Troy: I have an idea, but we're gonna need a tugboat.
Janitor: Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys. We call this a Brain Trust, and I'm the one with all the solutions. I saved you from that eagle, Randall. I saved your job, Troy. And Margo, I found your birth mother! She was a tree person, remember? Now there's no shame in that. I'm sorry, guys, but I've had enough. I'm afraid I have to find a new Brain Trust.

Oh, my goodness. He actually tricked you into a date. This is so very delicious and filling I don't think I'm going to be able to eat the rest of the evening; in fact, I honestly don't think I can have one more bite of your painful humiliation. I'm...I find I'm just a little stuffed. Will take my keys to go, though!

Dr. Cox

Turk! If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste how are
we going to raise our children? You know what? I'm going to stay with my


Turk: Hey hey! There he is! My buddy hit it and quit it, didn't he?
J.D.'s Narration: Hell no.
J.D.: Hell yes! Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my nightly ritual.
J.D.'s Narration: Pleasure myself, weep and repeat.

Kylie: I have a surprise for you tonight.
J.D.: God, I hope it's sex. Or a pony. I'll bet it's sex because I don't see a pony.

Janitor: You know, I don't really appreciate you messing with my lady.
Dr. Cox: Your lady?
Janitor: Blonde Doctor and I are going to end up together. I'm talking the whole shebang. House in the 'burbs, Volvo in the driveway, dogfighting ring in the basement.
Dr. Cox: I guess it wouldn't be the first time the janitor got the girl. Oh, wait a minute... Yes it would.
Janitor: You want to place a wager?
Dr. Cox: I do. But here I really have no need for a cracked thermos and two pounds of keys.

Well if it isn't Marginally Attractive and the Beast.

Dr. Cox

Molly: How you doing, J.J.?
J.D.: That's J.D.
Molly: Oh, right. I was just thinking of that Jimmy Walker sitcom.
J.D.: Good Times?
Molly: Not great, my sister had a miscarriage.

Turk: Alright. Give me all the details on Kylie.
J.D.: Dude it was so naughty. We're kissing, right, and she's like "I think it's a little hot in here" and starts pulling down her skirt.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh my God, I'm getting turned on by my own fake story!

Turk: Dude, you're pretty horny for a guy who claims to be getting it on a nightly basis.
J.D.: What are you implying?
Turk: Let's just say a little birdie told me that you and Kylie haven't slept together.
J.D.: Who?
Turk: Nurse Birdie.
Nurse Birdie: Well, you haven't.
J.D.: I trusted you!

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I kill a man.


Janitor: Nice, huh?
J.D.: Who gets a tattoo of a mop?