J.D.: You need to hire a few more nurses
Cox: Look, Tammy, we don't have the money. If you want to go out and raise the cash yourself, feel free. Maybe you can sell your eggs to a fertility clinic. Or sell that beard of yours to a ridiculousness museum. Or better yet make a list of all the people that you drive insane and tell them for a nominal fee you'll never speak to them again. You, of course, offer them a monthly subscription at a reduced rate just to reel them in. And then after awhile of you not talking to you they'll forget just how annoying you are and they'll let their subscription run up and then bang.. that's when you show up at their house and you drive them insane all over again by speaking to them. And here's the kicker, when everyone's trying to resubscribe.. you lay it on them that the price is now quadruple. I'm predicting, and this is a low end guesstimate, you're looking at about a hundred million dollars a quarter

Turk: You can try and emphasize instead of giving Derek here the googly eyes... Carla! [snaps his fingers]
Carla: Give her a break, he's like a male Halle Berry

You know you shouldn't throw produce, it's dangerous, I had a cousin that was killed by a head of lettuce. True story. Well not the head of lettuce itself so much as the pack of sewer rabbits he stole it from


J.D. [about Turk]: You know if I was married to him I'd be a lot more supportive
Carla: You know you said that out loud, right?
J.D.: I'm not ashamed of who I am!

I never want to have kids, I just want to adopt a short old guy


J.D.: I am not a girl! What's this show, is it new?
Turk: It's SportsCenter, dude

J.D.: You're gonna go in there and be completely honest
Turk: Is that all you got? I've been a doctor for more than ten minutes

Okay, Mr. Rigo, I know you've been complaining about the bedpans being too cold, so I used an incubator in pediatrics to warm this bad boy up for you. Enjoy!


You know, I used to use an incubator to keep my lunch warm. Until some whiny new mom complained that her premy smelt like a ham sandwich. Weird thing was, I had a tuna melt in there, not ham


J.D.: Okay, well then let's cut the leukemia sketch.
Turk: Dude, no! That sketch is gold.
J.D.: Well if they're not naked, they're just sad and dying. What's funny about that?
Turk: You make them British.
J.D.: Good save. It's back in

I think we should just get this out in the open. I saw you pluck your special hair the other day. I was there, I saw. Question is, what are we going to do about it? I have an idea. Let me speak first. May I? Good. I believe that you should give me the hair. Because I have been scrapbooking the most disgusting things that I could think of and I want to put it on the page in between my decayed molars and a snug, which is, a snail-slug hybrid that I was able to splice together in my garage. Unsuccessfully

Janitor [to Carla]

Turk: Cathy, you're playing Elliot. So I want to see some bug eyes, alright. And, perfect. Plus find some cardboard. Stick it down the back of your pants, right. Make that ass flat, girl, let me see what you got right now. Yeah, we can go flatter.
J.D.: We can go flatter.
Turk: We can go flatter.
J.D.: You know, I've chewed on that thing and it's flatter than day old beer

Scrubs Season 8 Quotes

Dr. Kelso: You know, you hurt my feelings earlier.
Dr. Cox: In my defense, you are a soulless creature from the netherworld who doesn't really have feelings

[Dr. Cox telling Kelso how much he misses him...]
Dr. Cox: When you were the Chief, you were a jackass and a nightmare and I hated you a great deal.
Dr. Kelso: That's a good start