Unfortunately for you, my lady, I saw what I saw. You either plucked a giant hair, or you have mini chest snakes

Janitor [to Carla]

Head games aren't going to work on me. Unfortunately for you, I have a photographic memory. For instance, I arrived here yesterday at 7.45 a.m. At 7.50 a.m. I took a nap. At 2.45 p.m. I awoke to find you plucking a comically large hair off of your baby feeder. I then took my afternoon nap, then I went on break, and then I went home. Couldn't sleep a wink. Damnedest

Janitor [to Carla]

Denise [to Brianna's mother]: As much as I hate to agree with Dr. ...
Sunny: Day.
Denise: Your name is Sunny Day? [to Brianna's mother] Okay, as ridiculous as it was for her parents to name her that, I think what you're doing with Brianna is a thousand times worse

Listen, this place can make anyone crazy. Once, after a double shift, I swore I went home and crawled into bed with turk. Next thing, I woke up in the on call room, spooning Dr. Beardface. Now the guy's always slipping me hotel keys


Todd: I'm so proud of you, man. You know, I've always emulated you. I shave my privates bald to look like your head.
Turk: Todd! I'm actually kind of touched

Denise: Anyone sitting here?
Sunny: Not just anyone. You.
Denise: Okay. No more talking till I'm drunk, okay

Dr. Cox: Hello. If it's alright with everyone, I'd like to begin this morning's rounds with a joke. Denise.
Denise: Um, I don't really have one.
Dr. Cox: No. I meant that you were the joke.
Denise: Oh, good one.
Dr. Cox: Thanks. I thought of it this morning while I was watching you trying to jam a catheter into Mr. Hazelton.
Denise: Yeah, he was a screamer

Mr. Francone has been in a coma for well over a year. His organs are starting to fail and he probably won't be with us very much longer. The most important thing to remember during his final hours here on Earth is do not ever come to me and ask me questions about how to treat him. He's a potato. If you do, my answer will always be the same. Sour cream, chives, and if I haven't had any protein that day, maybe just a sprinkling of some of those bacon bits

Dr. Cox

Denise: Dr. Reid, no offense, but have you been drinking?
Elliot: Oh. No. I read that shampooing with beer is good for your hair. So, all sudsed up in the shower and the hot water dies. So now I've got to spend the entire day smelling like a brewery because there is no way I'm going to rinse off with ice water. See, this dress only works without a bra, so if I get cold, looks like I'm smuggling candy cones

Gooch and I are going to hold off on the babies. We've only known each other a week. Plus, with all the cycling, apparently I've done a real number on my sperm


I wish I was emotionally healthy enough to love someone so much that I died after they did. I was with that dude last night. Only way I'm going to die after him is if he had a heart attack while he was on top of me. Crap, I just turned myself on


Turk: I was pulling some dude's spleen out today, and check it, blood splashed on my scrubs, looks like a tiger. Roar!
Carla: Why is that part a different color?
Turk: I might have used chocolate pudding to do the tail

Scrubs Season 8 Quotes

Dr. Kelso: You know, you hurt my feelings earlier.
Dr. Cox: In my defense, you are a soulless creature from the netherworld who doesn't really have feelings

[Dr. Cox telling Kelso how much he misses him...]
Dr. Cox: When you were the Chief, you were a jackass and a nightmare and I hated you a great deal.
Dr. Kelso: That's a good start