Todd: Oh. That's funny. 'Cuz your farts smell like freshly-cooked bacon.
Mike: Thank you?

• Permalink: Oh. That's funny.
• Added: May 07, 2016

Erica: I was in jail. I somehow got arrested for leaving a bank with some money that wasn't mine. And then a man in a uniform found a gun on me that turned out to be mine.
Mike: So you're talking about armed robbery?
Erica: More like an armed misunderstanding.

• Permalink: More like an armed misunderstanding.
• Added: May 07, 2016

Erica: I got a job at the state department.
Mike: They hired you with a criminal record?
Erica: They didn't hire me. They hired Amanda Williams from Cleveland, Ohio. Majored in Political Science at The Ohio State University. Go Pi Phi! Go! Whoo!

• Permalink: They didn't hire me. They hired Amanda Williams from Cleveland, Ohio. Majored in Political...
• Added: May 07, 2016

Ugh, water! Burns my throat. I just don't like it.

Gail

• Permalink: Ugh, water! Burns my throat. I just don't like it.
• Added: May 07, 2016

Phil: Hey, bud, I just wanted to thank you for having sex with Carol and stuff. It meant a lot to me.
Mike: Yeah, to be honest with you, I'm really excited to be an uncle.
Phil: Well, you're going to be a godfather, too.
Mike: Well, I guess that's better than being a Godfather III. Boom.

• Permalink: Well, I guess that's better than being a Godfather III. Boom.
• Added: May 07, 2016

Phil: Oh, come on, Todd-ler!
Todd: I'm not a toddler! I'm a man.

• Permalink: I'm not a toddler! I'm a man.
• Added: May 07, 2016

This is my brother, OK? My own flesh and blood. Until two weeks ago, I thought I had lost him forever. What are the chances? The entire world dies, there are seven of us, and my brother shows up. That is not a coincidence. I said goodbye to him once. I am not gonna do it again. He has a friggin' cold.

Phil

• Permalink: This is my brother, OK? My own flesh and blood. Until two weeks ago, I thought I had lost him...
• Added: May 07, 2016