The Last Man on Earth
Sundays 9:30 PMThe Last Man on Earth Quotes
It's all taken care of! All the evidence is gone. If you took a bacon-sniffing dog out there, it wouldn't even notice. In fact, it'd probably take a nap because it was so bored.
Phil
Melissa: Gee, ya think? I mean, I've only seen her give you like a hundred eye rolls.
Carol: Thank you, I know! It's like, hi, would you like some butter with your eye rolls?
Melissa: I know! It's like, don't fill up on eye rolls, Erica, save room for dinner.
Carol: Ha! We have fun.
Has anybody ever noticed you can get salmonella from chicken but you can't get chickenmonella from salmon? Boom.
Phil
Here, cricket cricket. Don't you want to get turned into a disgusting meal by my wife?
Phil
Erica: Phil. Why don't you take that comment, put it inside a bottle, and shove it up your butt?
Phil 2: What?
Erica: And then take that bottle back out, put it inside a bigger bottle, and shove that up your butt too.
Erica: You don't think I see all the flirting you've been doing with Phil?
Carol: If anything I'm doing the opposite! I mean for Pete Sampras, look at this dumb outfit I borrowed from Melissa.
Erica: I don't know, you look fine to me.
Carol: This needs like a pineapple on it or a giraffe or children sliding down a rainbow. I mean, this is not me.
Tandy saw the fire. Oh, and he called out. But everyone was asleep! What's he gonna do?? What's he gonna do?? Oh, he's gonna break out of the shed, oh he broke out of the shed and he ran through the shock zone-- OW! And then he got water from the pool and then he went back and forth and back and forth. And he got shocked again and again and again and again, until the fire was out. And then he collapsed on the hillside, depleted. Then after saving all our lives, he got back in his shed, like the good prisoner that he is. And I think I'm right in saying Tandy did his time.
Carol
Gail Klosterman! Have you come down with Benjamin Button's disease? Because you look ten years younger. And you looked eighteen before. Hey little girl, want some candy? [laughs]
Phil
What are you doing, Tandy? You care about these people. You're not gonna risk your relationship with them over some INSANELY delicious cheese! [inhales cheese; weeps] I'm not strong enough. No! You're better than this. Their friendship is worth way more than this cheese. Get back in your hole.
Phil [to himself]
Todd: That's nothing. I ate a whole jar of rancid olives that expired in 2014.
Melissa and Carol: Ewww!
Todd: They were actually pretty good.
Carol: But they were gonna let you out in one week! Why are you making it harder on yourself?
Phil: I've always taken the easy way out and I don't want to do that anymore. I did the crime. Gonna do that time. Y'know, C to the T.
I really have changed and I'm excited to prove it.
Phil
