Believe me, honey, if there’s a hell, I’m the headliner.

Lenny Bruce

I had nothing to do with this, so I’ll just be the person who pats people’s arms.

Imogene Cleary

God, honey, you are so sweet and innocent. Like an elf riding a bunny rabbit.


What if we discover one day that we were always the ones in charge? Just… no one told us.

Miriam "Midge" Maisel

There’s a line in the Torah -- "Fuck with me and you die."


I actually think God is more of a brilliant marketing ploy.

Abe Weissman

Joel Maisel: Would it kill you to be happy for me?
Miriam "Midge" Maisel: You need to be happy first.

I think the priest was suspicious, especially when he said “The Body of Christ” and I answered “Mazeltov.”

Abe Weissman

Women are more generous and giving. That's a fact of the species. We give life to fuckin' babies.


I was transcribing Finnegan's Wake. It feels like you're writing gibberish but apparently, he's a genius.


Is this a pep talk? It's using the word 'fail' a lot.


She is gonna open up her walk-in closet of skeletons and introduce them all to the world in living color.

Susie Myerson

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Quotes

You are the frog. I am the scorpion. I sting because it is my nature.

Abe Weissman

Susie: Tess, I have seen you let your tit fall out of your shirt for a free beer.
Tess: Imported beer.