Mrs. Simpson, we all have nose bleeds.


Bart: Gentlemen, I propose we kidnap Sir-Oinks-A-Lot..
Homer: And then we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge!

Dean: Hello..
Homer: Hello, Dean! You're a stupid head!
Dean: Homer is that you?

Homer: My first day of college.. I wish my father was alive to see this!
Grampa: Hey!
Homer: How long have you been back there?
Grampa: Three days...

Woohoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! (sets diploma on fire) I am so smart, I am so smart, S-M-R-T... I mean S-M-A-R-T.

Man: Homer, sign this application, and you're a shoe-in.
Homer: Hahaha, that dog has somebody's ham. Now this I gotta see!

D'oh! The bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom's big!

Mr. Burns: What, how dare you disturb us during nap time!
Lady: We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Comission. This is a surprise test of worker competence.
Mr. Burns: There must be some mistake. Weee... make cookies here. Mr. Burns old fashion good time, extra chewy..
Man: Get the axe!

Nuclear Saftey Engineer: Now, relax, Homer. This is a simulation of your work station and we're going to simulate a power surge in Sector 8.
Homer: What the hell are you talking about?

I don't understand it! There wasn't any nuclear material in that van!

Nuclear Safety Engineer

(During the nuclear meltdown, Mr. Burns has locked Smithers out of the escape pod)
Smithers: For the love of God, sir! There are two seats!
Mr. Burns: I like to put my feet up.

(An Itchy and Scratchy toon starts: "BURNING DOWN THE MOUSE!")
Lisa: GASP! I've heard of this one. It's the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy!
Bart: WOW!
(In it, Scratchy has Itchy tied on a stake. Scratchy puts dynamite in Itchy's eyelids and ears, makes a beard and stovepipe hat out of plastic explosive material, and hangs grenades on Itchy's ears. Then he aims two atomic missiles at Itchy's eyes, lights the fuses, and hails a cab and escapes. Itchy struggles to get out.)
Bart: (as he and Lisa hold hands) My purpose in life is to witness this moment.
(The fuse is about to go out, but the picture goes blank, as Bart and Lisa scream.)
Gary: We need the outlet for our rock tumbler.
Gary: What, the rock tumbler or the TV?
(Gary does so, but there's a a still image of a mushroom cloud with "THE END" in red jumbled letters as the end theme plays.)
Krusty: Wow! They'll never let us show that again! Not in a million years!

The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 3 Quotes

Mr. Burns: Oh, and one more thing: you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns: And the road maps, and ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place...

Benjamin: Come on, Mr. Simpson, you'll never pass this course without learning the periodic table.
Homer: I'll write it on my hand.
Benjamin: Hoh! Including all known lanthanides & actinides? Good luck!