Homer: Oh, the song. The song. (sings) When the fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn. Something something, then you'll see: You'll avoid catastrophe! D'oh!

Homer: No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whiz.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, please pay for your services and get out and come again!

Please do not offer my god a peanut.


Marge: I'm going to ask you one last time. Are you sure you won't come with us to church?
TV Announcer: Coming up next: make your own ladder!
Homer: Very sure.

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Apu: You are on your honor not to steal anything.
Kearny: (lying and eating a box of cereal) Oh we won't.
Apu looks at them for a moment and then puts a little boy on the counter.
Apu: Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands.
Little Jamshed: Oh, how I have waited for this day. (whips out a shot gun and cocks it.)
Kearny's shocked as his mouth hangs open and he drops the box of cereal.

Homer: God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life?
God: Homer, I can't tell you that.
Homer: C'mon!
God: You'll find out when you die.
Homer: I can't wait that long!
God: You can't wait six months?

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, you remember Matthew 21-27, "The Foolish man who built his house on sand".
Homer: And you remember Matthew...21-17?
Reverend Lovejoy: And he left them, and went out of the city into Bethany; and he lodged there?
Homer: Yeah...(regains confidence) think about it.

You bet your sweet...(looks around)...ass! Heh, heh, heh!

(To Homer) Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.


Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and
neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian (Ned), Jew (Krusty), or ... miscellaneous (Apu).
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

Bart: Hey, where's Homer?
Marge: Your father is... resting.
Bart: Resting "hung over," resting "got fired," come on, help me out here!

The Simpsons Season 4 Episode 3 Quotes

(singing) God said to Noah, there's gonna be a floody-floody. Rain came down, it started to get muddy, muddy. Get those animals, out of the arky-arky.

Flanders Family

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.