The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 18 Episode 3: "Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em" Quotes
Marge: Homer, your butt just gave me an idea.
Homer: Yep, it'll do that.
(At the video arcade in the Springfield Mall, Bart plays a parody of Asteroids called "Triangle Wars.")
Bart: What's going on here? Am I destroying these triangles or trying to assemble them? What's does this button do?
(Bart presses the "Hyperspace" button.)
Bart: (Moans) Now my ship is pooping more triangles.
(The video game emits an electronic chime.)
Bart: Oh, no. I won a free game.
(The Simpson family arrives at the Springfield Mall.)
Lisa: This place is lookin' a little run down.
Bart: Yeah, hasn't been the same since they murdered the Mayor's dad here.
(Principal Skinner finally stands up to Bart's peanut threats.)
Principal Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long. Eat shrimp and die!
(Principal Skinner holds up a stick with a shrimp attached to it.)
Bart: No! I'm allergic!
(Bart holds up his stick with a peanut attached to it.)
Principal Skinner: Stick-on-stick. Just like the knights of old.
Bart: No one teaches me history!
(At the Springfield Mall, Homer finishes eating his tube of gummy worms.)
Marge: Well, if you're through, let's check out that discount book warehouse.
Homer: (Whining) We already own a book!
(A depressed Homer watches as his scaled down model of "The Zoominator" roller coaster crumbles and burns.)
Lisa: Dad, here's a thought. If you just gave Mom credit, maybe she could help you.
Homer: Sweetie, you don't understand. If I can do this myself, then all those lies I told will be true. Don't you want Daddy's lies to be true?
Lisa: I'd like a daddy who lived in the real world!
Homer: To Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day.
(Marge hides as Kent Brockman inspects the gazebo she built.)
Kent Brockman: Mm-mmm! Simpson, you're a master craftsman.
Homer: Listen, what would you say if I told you a woman did most of the work?
Kent Brockman: I'd have this gazebo torn down and built into a coffin...for your manhood.
Homer: (Shrieks)
Kent Brockman: Why did my hypothetical scenario scare you so?
Homer: Uh, like all manly men, I have a vivid imagination.
Kent Brockman: Well said! Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.
Marge: Bart, here's a letter from your school.
Bart: A fire? I didn't start a fire in the teachers' lounge! I mean, what fire? I mean, a letter from school? Please elaborate.
Marge: Someone at your school has a life-threating peanut allergy.
Bart: Cool! Who is it?
Marge: Ah, the letter doesn't say. But from now on, no peanut products are allowed on school property.
(Marge examines Bart's lunch box.)
Marge: Hmm, let's see what you've got. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, trail mix, starring peanuts. Good grief, more peanuts!
(Marge holds up a copy of "Good Grief, More Peanuts" by Charles M. Schultz.)
(Using peanuts as a threat, Bart forces Skinner to do things against his will at Comic Book Guy's shop.)
Principal Skinner: (Clears throat) Excuse me. I'm supposed to stand in your store window and breast-feed Bilbo Baggins.
Comic Book Guy: Your cowering suggests that Bart has found your kryptonite.
Principal Skinner: Kryptonite? What's that? The "ite" suffix suggests a mineral.
Comic Book Guy: I do not know whether to laugh or cry at your ignorance. I shall laugh. Ha, ha! Kryptonite is Superman's greatest weakness.
Principal Skinner: Wait, maybe Bart has a kryptonite!
Comic Book Guy: Perhaps. But for now you may suckle your Baggins.
(Comic Book Guy hands a Bilbo Baggins doll to Principal Skinner.)
A lady carpenter? I don't know. What if you get pregnant and I'm left with half a hot tub? And don't tell me you're infertile. I ain't fallin' for that again.
</i> Krusty the Clown
(Marge goes on a carpentry binge, and builds all sorts of things.)
Lisa: Wow, Mom, you made all this?
Bart: It's like you're the Jesus of carpentry!
Marge: Aww, what sweet blasphemy.
