The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 2 Quotes
(At dog obedience school.)
Emily Winthrop: There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself. One is like a faithful friend and partner for life. The other is like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was, Mr. Simpson?
(Bart is down on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor.)
Bart: Like a hose. (Under his breath.) Your Wrinkled Highness.
(Grandpa explains the story of Herb's conception to Homer.)
Grandpa: It all happened when I was courting your mother.
(Flash back to a younger Grandpa at a carnival.)
Grandpa: (Narrating) I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival when I first saw her.
Woman: (To Grandpa) Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown?
Grandpa: (Narrating) She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money. A year later, the carnival came back to town, and she had a little surprise for me.
(The woman shows Grandpa baby Herb.)
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: We left the baby at the Shelbyville Orphanage, and I never saw him again.
(Flash back to Grandpa at his wedding)
Grandpa: (Narrating) A year later, I married your mother, and we had you.
(Flash forward to Homer's mother after the delivery.)
Mother Simpson: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. He must never know about that-that carnival incident.
Grandpa: Okay.
Mother Simpson: Promise you won't tell him.
Grandpa: I promise.
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: Whoops! Forget what I just told you.
(Homer's artsy commercial for his newly designed car: The commercial uses far away shots of Homer driving the car on a mountain road overlooking the ocean and up close shots of Homer inside the car.)
Woman: (Off camera and singing.) Whatever Homer wants
Homer: (Narrating) All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.
Woman: (Off camera and singing.) Homer gets.
Homer: (Narrating) Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it.
(A title card reads: "Homer, The Car Built for Homer.")
(Herb gives the Simpsons a tour of his mansion.)
Herb: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. Anytime you're hungry, anytime day or night, Cook will make you anything you want.
Homer: Even pork chops?
Herb: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room--
Homer: You mean, if I want pork chops, even in the middle of the night, your guy will fry 'em up?
Herb: Sure. That's what he's paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry--
Homer: Wait!
Herb: Maids--
Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Let me see if I've got this straight. It's Christmas day, 4:00 a.m., there's a rumble in my stomach--
Marge: Homer, please!
Herb: (Laughs and grabs Homer around the shoulder.) Your old man sure loves pork chops!
Bart: (Laughs) He sure does, Uncle Herb.
(The ending to the McBain movie.)
Sexy Woman: You certainly broke up that meeting.
McBain: Right now I'm thinking about holding another meeting in bed.
Sexy Woman: Oh, McBain.
McBain: Mmm.
(They embrace and kiss.)
(Homer introduces his kids to Herb.)
Herb: So, Lisa, are you the little hell-raiser your father told me about?
Lisa: No, sir. I can assure I'm not.
Bart: (Proudly) I'm the little hell-raiser, sir.
Marge: Would you like to hold the baby, Herb?
Herb: Oh, I'm afraid I wouldn't know how.
Homer: (Holding Maggie in one arm.) Oh, what's to know? Just dive in. Catch! (Tosses Maggie over to Herb.)
Herb: Oh! (Catches Maggie in his arms and smells her.) God, that new baby smell. Homer, you're the richest man I know.
Homer: (In awe) I feel the same about you.
(Grandpa talks with Homer in his hospital room.)
Grandpa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
(Homer scoots closer.)
Homer: What is it, Dad?
Grandpa: Pee-yew! Not that close!
Herb: So, Marge, a little about yourself.
Marge: Hmm. Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three beautiful children.
Herb: Wow, we have so much catching up to do.
Marge: Hmm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.
(On the phone with Homer.) A millionaire? (To himself.) Oh, I kept the wrong one.
Grandpa
(Homer makes demands to the car engineers about what neesds to go in the new car.)
Homer: All right, you eggheads! I want a place in this car to put my drink!
Engineer: Sir, the-the car has a beverage holder.
Homer: Hello! Hello, Einstein! I said a place to put my drink. You know those Super Slakers they sell at the Kwik-E-Mart? (Makes a large circle with his hands.) The cup is this big!
Engineer: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Extremly large beverage holder.
Homer: I'm not done yet. You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in the parking lot? That should be on every car!
Engineer: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Litte ball.
Homer: And some things are so snazzy, they never go out of style! Like tail fins and bubble domes and shag carpeting.
Engineer: I gotta call the boss.
Herb: Homer, I need your help.
Homer: You do?
Herb: Yeah. I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there. And I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
Homer: And I wanna let you!
(Homer and Herb meet face to face.)
Herb: Homer?
Homer: Herb?
Homer and Herb: (In unison) You look just like--
(They point at each other's hair.)
Homer: (In unison with Herb) Except you got a little more--
Herb: (In unison with Homer) Except you got a little less--
(They point at each other's stomachs.)
Homer: (In unison with Herb) And a little less--
Herb: (In unison with Homer) And a little more--
Homer and Herb: God, I feel so--
(They happily embrace.)
