Two and a Half Men Quotes
Walden: I love you Berta.
Berta: You are one sentimental little taco.
Alan: The only thing I got from the truck driver was a pack of cigarettes and an eyebrow pencil.
Walden: I gotta tell you, it is nice to be taken care of once for a change, but look who I am talking to.
Alan: Lyndsey has been pushing me to make a commitment because some other guy asked her out.
Walden: Who asked her out?
Alan: Her gynecologist.
Walden: At least he knows what he is getting into.
Just for the record, he gets paid to go down there. I do it for the love of the game.
Alan
Jake: I am 18 and in the army, you can tell me what to do.
Alan: You are using the excuse that you are in the army not to go back to the army.
Jake: I cannot imagine being with anyone else.
Alan: I know that feeling, you fall head over heels, and then suddenly you find yourself in a loveless marriage with a soul-sucking shrew.
Jake: You realize you are talking about my mother?
Whitney: Wow, that is a lot of zeros. So are you really a genius and philanthropist?
Walden: Yes, I also fight crime.
Walden: What are you doing here? No one goes to libraries anymore.
Whitney: It is the only place where I can go where strange men do not hit on me.
Alan: This time, you invited the vampire into the house.
Walden: In my defense, the vampire was naked at the time.
Alan: She just wants to take advantage of Walden.
Berta: You do hear yourself talk, right?
Alan: Yes, I am a mooch, but I am not dangerous.
Walden: She says wants to meet for coffee.
Alan: Oh, be careful. In my experience, when an ex wants to meet for coffee, it is either they want to borrow money or tell you that they gave you crabs.
Walden: You share too much.
Alan: I won't allow you to hurt my best friend.
Rose: Calm down, you finally found a friend, do not screw it up.
