Two and a Half Men Quotes
Walden: I am tired of dating crazy, cheating, greedy, gold-digging bitches.
Alan: Sigh, without them, I would not have gotten laid.
Walden: And there will be no reality TV stars.
Alan: Hello Rose, I can't believe you have the guts to show up here.
Rose: I can't believe that you have the guts to still live here.
Alan: Is that a leaf-blower?
Rose: That is not what they call it in Amsterdam.
I like you in that red dress, I fell like a bull and I just want to charge.
Alan
Missy: You must be Jake; I am sleeping in your room.
Jake: Well, God Bless America.
That, my friends, is what happens when hillbillies have unprotected sex with hummingbirds.
Berta
Alan: You know how old she is.?
Walden: 18 or 19.
Alan: Well, you might lose a friend but you are not going to jail.
See, this is why communication is important in a relationship. Two minutes ago, I did not care if you lived or died, but right now..? I love you as no man as ever loved a woman.
Alan
You complete me; add another chick and I will complete myself.
Alan
Berta: You can just keep staring at your laptop all day.
Walden: I made a billion dollars doing this.
Berta: Well, carry on.
Walden: I am not dating your mom again.
Ava: I know that, she is in the shower with Peter.
Berta: Seems like this house haunted; by an old spirit that does not just want to move.
Alan: Hey , you are not blaming this on me, okay?
