Charlie: Mommy, I don't feel good.
Evelyn: Oh, Charles, don't tell me you've got another case of the Bangkok drippy-drip.

Rose got you sick? It had nothing to do with you sticking your tongue down the throat of a flu-riddled bimbo?


Charlie: You can use this.
Lulu: Nasal spray... thank you, Charlie, that's so thoughtful.
Charlie: Well, you are gonna need to breathe through your nose.

Jake: Hey, Rose, you wanna go see a movie later?
Rose: Maybe. We'll see how your uncle's feeling. He's very, very sick.
Alan: So, basically, what we're saying here is, you'll go to the movies with anybody but me.
Jake: Not anybody. I wouldn't go with Hitler.

Berta: What's wrong with you?
Charlie: I caught something.
Berta: There's a surprise.

Alan: I went over Donna's house to break up with her.
Charlie: I'm proud of you.
Alan: Thanks... You're gonna meet her parents next weekend.
Charlie: But you just said...
Alan: I know what I said, but I just couldn't do it. I'm not capable of rejecting another human being.
Charlie: Wow, you would think after all these years, you'd want to get even.

Alan: Don't you dare feel sorry for me. This is what an adult relationship looks like, Charlie. People get comfortable with each other and they develop a routine, and if it's not always fireworks and explosions, well that's a reasonable trade for a warm, collegiate partnership.
Charlie: You poor, poor bastard.

Jake: She is kind of cute.
Charlie: Why don't you go talk to her?
Jake: I don't know what to say.
Charlie: That's never stopped you from runnin' your mouth before.

Charlie: You're supposed to meet her there.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "Why?" You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
Alan: You didn't say anything about that.
Charlie: It's common sense. Do you know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be hurt feelings, and the ride home would be awkward!

Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.

Charlie: Tell you what, I'll be your wingman. I'll go over and engage the mom in conversation. Then, after I've greased the wheels, I'll give you a signal. You saunter over and work your magic.
Jake: "Saunter?"
Charlie: Walk.
Jake: Well, then, just say "walk." You don't have to make up words.

Jake: In ultimate fighting they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head in the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.
Charlie: Okay, okay, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other: they strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.
Jake: Gay.

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Alan: You sure it's just a rash?
Charlie: What else could it be?
Alan: Uh, well, since we are talking about your private area, it could be anything from Ebola to mad cow disease.
Charlie: You get Ebola from monkeys, right?
Alan: Right.
Charlie: It's just a rash.