Two and a Half Men Season 5

"Waiting for the Right Snapper"

When Charlie meets the fiance of Angie's son, he realizes it's not the first time; Alan tries to get Jake to study for his algebra final.

"If My Hole Could Talk"

Charlie's attracted to an older self-help book author (Susan Blakley); Alan tries to get Jake to finish his book report for a book he keeps losing.

"Fish in a Drawer"

A team of CSIs come to solve a murder at Charlie's house with CSI's George Eads guest starring.

"Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty"

Alan makes plans for Evelyn and Teddy's wedding, while Charlie figures out how to get closer to his future step-sister, Courtney (Jenny McCarthy).

"Rough Night in Hump Junction"

Alan feels Charlie cannot control his womanizing ways so Charlie goes to a therapist and realizes he's missing Mia, the one who got away.

"Winky-Dink Time"

Charlie double dates with Jake, while setting Alan up with a prostitute.

"The Soil is Moist"

Alan finds out some surprising news about Judith's sex life when he goes on a date with one of her friends.

"A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh "

Rose returns from England and plays nurse for a sick Charlie; Alan feels like Jake is growing distant from him.

"Meander to Your Dander"

When Alan needs to break up with a woman, he comes to Charlie for advice.

"Kinda Like Necrophilia"

When Alan finds out Charlie stole his high school girlfriend, he hatches a plan to get back at him.

"Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids"

Charlie fights his attraction to the daughter (guest star Jenny McCarthy) of Evelyn's fiance, Teddy.

"Is There a Mrs. Waffles?"

Charlie finds success with a children's song as Charlie Waffles. Charlie's new-found fame bothers Alan.

"The Leather Gear is in the Guest Room"

After Alan and Charlie have a fight about his role in the house, Alan moves out and into his mother's house.

"Help Daddy Find His Toenail"

Charlie's girlfriend is embarrassed to be going out with him; Jake sneaks out to go to a concert.

"Putting Swim Fins on a Cat"

Charlie has to come up with a way to keep his girlfriend's four year old entertained; Alan becomes a test subject.

"City of Great Racks"

Charlie and Linda get closer to sleeping together, but Charlie can't focus when he sees Rose's face popping up everywhere.

"Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo"

Alan convinces Charlie to date more respectable women and sets him up with a judge. Charlie and Alan go on a double date but find out the waitress is an ex of Charlie's.

"Media Room Slash Dungeon"

Charlie acts strange after spending the evening with Evelyn; a woman Alan sleeps with begins acting strange herself.

"Large Birds, Spiders and Mom"

Jake gets ready to start junior high school as Alan and Charlie take him shopping. The two brothers manage to get themselves in trouble.

Two and a Half Men
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Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Alan: You sure it's just a rash?
Charlie: What else could it be?
Alan: Uh, well, since we are talking about your private area, it could be anything from Ebola to mad cow disease.
Charlie: You get Ebola from monkeys, right?
Alan: Right.
Charlie: It's just a rash.