I looked in the mirror again this morning. Guess what I found? 8,867,322 grey hairs.

Kristen: Why weren't you waiting for me in the driveway to help me?
Ryan: You're an hour early.
Kristen: So?

I've never really been a taco guy. I don't speak Spanish so...


Ryan: I'll tell my kids about you.
Wilfred: I appreciate that Ryan, but to have kids you need to have sex.

Then I guess it's up to Drew to make up for his shitty party by hitting it later that night from the front...human style.

Ryan, if you don't take this thing off of me right now, I'm going to give myself dead possum breath and breathe in your face.

Ryan: Wilfred, have you looked in the mirror lately?
Wilfred: Yeah, there's some new fat dog hanging out in there. I made fun of him yesterday for like three hours.

Shame is like having a daughter with red hair and freckles; you cannot let it become part of your life.

I hang out and smoke weed with the neighbor's dog all day.


It's my bachelor pad...pretty nauseating digs right?

That is not what I was thinking! I was thinking how ironic it is that Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves yet he himself was a slave to a weird beard style.

These women weren't having sex with a pilot or a doctor. They were having sex with a lie. But more sick and depraved than that, they were having sex with a dog.

Wilfred Quotes

Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."

Ryan: Get off.
Wilfred: I'm trying to!