It was the perfect plan. And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kid!

I knew Jelly Beans had a weakness for bouncing tennis balls so I tossed one in front of Gene's car.

Why did you do it Gene? Where are you going? And why has your blinker been on for the last 10 miles? Just turn left already! Jesus!

One of those and I'm out for eight hours...doesn't matter how loud the baby cries.


Ryan: I have been having dreams about Dad...weird dreams.
Kristen: Sex dreams?

I had a dream that the nation rose up to live out its true creed. That in the state of Alabama little black boys and girls were able to hold hands with little white boys and girls and walk together as brother and sister. It was creepy how real it felt.

He's just a dog. He can't talk to you.

Mr. Newman

I've got some great new ideas. The muses have basically been taking turns sitting on my face for the last two hours.

You can't put genius on hold. Dude! The muses are basically all up on my nuts right now.

Ryan: Something like the Berenstain Bears Visit the Dentist?
Wilfred: Visit the Dentist is beach reading. Sure I'm along for the ride, but is it transcendent in any way? Besides, it's totally derivative of Aardvark.

Wilfred: My biography's gotta be honest, it's gotta be gritty, but it also has to sing off the page. I'm talking Riki Tiki Tavi, or early George.
Ryan: George?
Wilfred: Curious. Later George just wallows in its own density.

Either roll the dice and go for it, knowing that I will bite off and eat your dick, or, stop hanging around with her.

Wilfred Quotes

Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."

Ryan: Get off.
Wilfred: I'm trying to!