Better Off Ted Quotes

Veronica: Children, they have so many uses. They’re like adorable Swiss Army knives. Ted: Although they can’t open wine worth a damn.

Phil: Boy, bringing things back from the dead never goes smoothly.

Keith: That isn’t harassment. Harassment is supposed to be sexy. You’re not even doing it right.

Ted: You’re one of the best executives ever. You’re better than Steve Jobs, Lee Iacocca, or… Veronica: Field Marshal Rommel? Ted: Okay….

Phil: This must be how Dr. Frankenstein felt. And that creepy scientist on the fourth floor who tried to build a wife out of mannequin…

Veronica: Chu, chu, chu, chu. Ted: What are you doing? Veronica: That’s the sound of me deflecting the whiny bitching with my happiness…

Phil: We can put him back together. I fixed my marriage with mechanical attachments, I can fix this.

Linda: I don’t want to lose this job. What am I supposed to do, go back to Wisconsin and work in the cheese mine? After I made that big…

Linda: I don’t like other ladies’ breasts. Some days I don’t even like my own breasts. Although mostly they’re awesome.

Veronica: Great news! You both have a disease. Ted: You would be a terrible doctor.