Better Off Ted Quotes

Veronica: So this is guilt, huh? In the past, I’ve always just counteracted this feeling with other emotions, like sugar or drunk.

Veronica: I was up against this man–Walter–who had the same last name as I do, although we pronounce it differently. Linda: There’s…

Ted: “Employees must now use offensive or insulting language in the workplace.” This has to be a mistake. Why would the company want us…

Veronica: Maybe my kindergarten teacher was right. Maybe I am too controlling.

Veronica: Here, you do it. Phil: Me? Veronica: No, the microphone-attaching elf who lives in my drawer. Phil: Talking about drawer elves…

Phil: You know what might brighten your day? A peek at the smallest squirrel science can make. Lem: But we’re going to have to ask you to…

Lem: Together we’re a thing of beauty, like a swan. Phil: But on my own, I’ll be like half a swan. All I’ll do is make a big mess and die.

Lem: So it’s your turn in the saddle, cowboy. get on that horse and… I don’t know any more cowboy things. Wait. Beans.

Linda: So did you hear the latest office gossip? Ryan the security guard quit his job because you’re a giant douche-mobile. That’s right,…

Ryan: You think I talk too much? Ted: Well, I don’t know about generally, but to me, oh, my God, yes.