Quotables from Week Ending Feb. 5, 2015

Rick Castle: Caught him red handed and bare bottomed.

Rogelio: You cannot have "The Passions of Santos" without Santos. That is just "Passions" and that show failed.

Tony: Mat. Missing a "t" there buddy. Like "doormat"? ~ Mat: I dropped the second "t" years ago. Life's not about conforming to society's phallic-centric norms. Homemade gluten-free cinammon scones? ~ Bishop: Oooh. ~ Tony: No! Are you nuts? Never take cookies or movie advice from a hipster.

Nick: Charlie, what's the plan for Fatah? ~ Charlie: The plan remains the same. Kill Hakam, kill Fatah. ~ Nick: What about me? ~ Charlie: I get you home.

Hank: You ate her cookie. ~ Wu: I did? ~ Nick: Yeah. That's why you ate your carpet. ~ Wu: ...Oh.

Sam: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Talk to me! ~ Teen Dean: Really Sam? Now? I got no grass on the infield and a girl's gonna die. Sorry if I'm not in a chatty mood. Look. You wanted me back in the game, I'm back in the damn game. C'mon.

Miss Bunting: Have I finished us before we ever really even got started? ~ Tom: You pitted yourself against them from the start. How can you retreat from that position? ~ Miss Bunting: You mean I have made it them or me? ~ Tom: Haven't you? You despise the family, but I think you forget that my wife was one of them. My child is one of them. Where does that leave me? ~ Miss Bunting: don't you despise them? Really? ~ Tom: No, I don't. I would like things to change, but I don't think in black and white terms anymore. ~ Miss Bunting: Well I do.

Louis: Your Musketeers have let me down again. Keeps happening, doesn't it?

Jarvis: And what does the SSR have in you? ~ Peggy: I am a federal agent, Mr. Jarvis. ~ Jarvis: Yes, finely trained and skilled in the art of fetching coffee. These men you call your colleagues, they don't respect you. They don't even see you. Do you honestly expect they'll change their minds? ~ Peggy: I expect I will make them.

Ellie: I'm a stay at home mom with a full time nanny. I get up to stuff.

Mona: What's the point of breaking your shell if you turn into such a dull omelet?

Jessica: But this is not the West, this is the south. If we wanted the west we could go to California. ~ Louis: Do you know how expensive California is? This is the West enough. This is fine.

Clarke: You may be the Chancellor, but I'm in charge.

Lisa Vanderpump: Ken would have to give me a hall pass for George Clooney. It’s George bloody Clooney for god’s sake and he’s got a sense of humor which he would probably need when I took my clothes off.

Dawson: A lot's changed at 51 since losing Shay. We've welcomed in some new friends. Got a new rig and a dream of mine came true, but here's what hasn't changed, this house. This family. It's all as strong as it ever was. Even stronger because I think deep down in the quiet moments we think to our self Shay would want us to be better. She'd want us to represent her everytime we go out. You had an amazing sister Megan and I am so lucky to have been her friend.

Meredith: It's just you. The one you can count on, and lean on, and depend on. It has to be you. And once you figure that out, that's when being alone becomes a choice.

Leonard: You're sure it's good? ~ Sheldon: My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say "Directed by Joss Whedon". ~ Leonard: Okay, partner, let's do it.

Kai: Well in case you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a sociopath. I know, shocker. I like being a sociopath, ya know? I'm not burned by things like guilt or love.

Finch: I want to hold out hope, but hope is painful.

Raylan: You understand me, Earl? I'm gonna shoot your dick off.

Red: A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. ~ Luther: Nietzche? ~ Red: Bruce Lee.

Quinn: Why aren't you calling the White House? ~ Jake: If I call the White House they'll kill Olivia. They can't go get her. ~ Quinn: Then...it's the three of us? We bust in there and take on god knows how many armed mercenaries ourselves? All right. I'm down.

Archer: Come on cyborg. R2D2 it. ~ Ray: R2D2 it? ~ Archer: Yeah, probe around in there and whatever, shut down the tractor beam. ~ Ray: With what, my dick? ~ Archer: I....however you normally do it. ~ Ray: I don't normally do it! ~ Archer: I know but this is an emergency.

Sherlock: Watson, I've got every confidence that you could brain a man with a metal tube if you put your mind to it. ~ Watson: That's very nice of you to say.

Catherine: Syphilis? Oh, Henry! Oh that is so like him. Hmm. A last gift so I'll never forget him or his whores. ~ Claude: Don't be so gloomy, mother. I have a rather rambunctious friend who underwent the cures and...oh wait...she did say they were rather excruciating. I'll send for her specialist. ~ Catherine: Why, thank you.