Family Guy

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My God! My wife is seeing another mayor!

See? We're already making each other better people!

Mayor West; That was a great idea you had about walking parallel to the water. It makes for a longer walk. Carol

Carol: Helloo!
Mayor West: Well dot dot dot hello!

West: We don't want you in our town, Simpson! We don't love you like we did in 1993!
[cut to Homer Simpson from The Simpsons]
Homer: D'oh!
West: And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either!

Every Friday night, I'm a clearance-sale area rug.

Mayor West

Lois (Leia): Governor Tarkin. I smelled your stench as soon as we were brought on board.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Um, actually, that's me. I made a Darth Doodie.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Princess Leia, we've decided to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan.
Lois (Leia): NO!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): She said no. Should we still do it?
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yes.

Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?
Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.
Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.
Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it-
(Vader begins choking him with the Force)
Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?
Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...
Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.

(to a woman on the street) Hey baby, wanna take a gander at some Adam West penis?

(Adam gasps)
Lois: What is it?
Adam: (quietly) A bee just flew in through the window. Don't move.
(The bee sits in the mayor's chair)
Bee: Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business; free honey for everyone! Yay, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee--OW! Oh, done stung myself. Bye world...

(Brian is sitting on the toilet)
Lois: Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you.
Brian: Hey, well you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.
Lois: Well still, good for you.
(Lois leaves, and Stewie enters)
Stewie: So, where are you really doin' your business?
Brian: Oh, I found a place.
(Scene cuts to Adam West's mansion, he walks near some bushes
Adam West: Well I'll be damned, and they called me crazy; "You can't plant sausage seeds" they said, well look at this!

Plane Crew Guy #1: Sir, we have a confirmed crash, Flight 37 is down.
Plane Crew Guy #2: Well, we better alert the Mayor. I'll have to interrupt his photo op.
(Cuts to an elementary school)
Adam West: My Pet Goat. Page One. You know said my pet goat, I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, but I just don't have the time. (Government official comes in and whispers to Adam West and leaves. A long moment of silence occurs.) You should make the time said the farmer.

Adam West: Can I help you, gentlemen?
Brian: Follow that truck. (silence) Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck."
Adam West: Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please."
Brian and Stewie: (simultaneously) Please follow that truck.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 24 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

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