Favorite Andrew Van de Kamp Quotes
Bree: Is my daughter alright?
Doctor: She'll be fine. The wounds are very superficial.
Andrew: (smirks) So is the patient.
Danielle: (to Bree) When are you going to take me seriously?!
Bree: When you start acting like an adult.
Andrew: She sleeps with them, that's a start.
Bree: Now what were you going to say?
Andrew: Well, um...Danielle is upstairs trying to commit suicide.
(Bree questions Andrew with a look, then rushes upstairs with Orson)
Andrew: No rush...she isn't trying that hard!
Austin's not gay. Not even after three beers...Don't ask.
Lynette: (to Andrew) Aren't you supposed to be working?Andrew: Aren't you supposed to not be here?Lynette: Touch.
Lynette: I told you I wanted this floor to sparkle like your mom's. Now does this floor look Bree Hodge clean to you?
Andrew: Uh... no. It looks Andrew Van de Kamp clean. But your disappointment in me is very Bree Hodge.
Orson: The hotel number is on the fridge in case there's a problem.
Andrew: Actually, we kind of already have a problem.
Orson: I'm already late for my flight, can this problem wait a few weeks till we're back?
Andrew: Yes, it can wait a few weeks. I mean, heck, this can wait... nine months.
Orson: (looks at Danielle, who looks worried)Oh, Lord.
Gabrielle: Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. I'm afraid Mr. Lang has to take an important meeting in his limo...now.
(She grabs his arm and drags him off to the limo. He gets inside with Gabrielle close behind. He loosens his tie as she begins taking off her clothing.)
Victor: To the radio station, Clyde. So what's this all about?
Gabrielle: Your speech--I liked it.
Victor: Seriously, here? Now?
Gabrielle: Well, you laid out all your positions. Don't you want to get acquainted with mine?
Victor: Clyde, could you put up the partition, please?
Clyde: Yes, sir. Anything else?
Gabrielle: Music. Loud music.
Bree: Honey, the feelings that you're having are perfectly normal, but George isn't trying to take your father's place. He's, well, he's just a friend.
Andrew: Really? Just a friend? So you're not planning on getting more serious with this guy in the future?
Bree: You know, I haven't even thought about it.
Andrew: You're so transparent, it's pathetic. You're worried about a ripped T-shirt humiliating this family? Wait 'till people see that you're dating the town nerd less than a month after your husband's funeral.
Bree: Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?
Andrew: Yeah. So?
Bree: Doesn't it require a large entrance fee? One that you can't afford by yourself?
Andrew: Are you blackmailing me into coming into dinner?
Bree: Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating.
Andrew: Have you ever actually been with a woman?
George: Excuse me?
Andrew: Well, let's be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player. So, I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game.
George: My experience with women is none of your business.
Andrew: I think it is. I mean, you're dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating's a little more than just holding hands.
George: We're not dating, exactly.
Andrew: Well, sure you are. And you know what? I think it's great, but I want to make sure my mom's happy, you know and it would really set my mind at ease to know she's with a guy who knows how to please a lady.
George: This is inappropriate.
Andrew: You know, my parents had a great sex life. Yeah, I heard 'em through the wall in my bedroom once.
George: Please shut up.
Andrew: You should have heard my mom, too. She had this, this weird moan. It was kinda like "ummm, uh!" Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes.
