Tony: So help me, McBlivious, if you don't pounce on that hot Israeli action I will never forgive you.
McGee: Gabby's a spy, Tony. Flirting's just another weapon in her arsenal.
Tony: And what an arsenal, huh? That wasn't just flirting, Tim. That was....flirting. For whatever reason, she's caught the mc-fever and you're the only cure.

Tony DiNozzo: Shabbat dinner?
Ziva David: It is Friday night. But I have no idea what or who you're talking about.
Tony DiNozzo: Just tell him Agent Meatball says "hi".

I bet she's a panther in the sack!

Male friends only want to sleep with you. Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan, When Harry Met Sally.

No name, but Marge Simpson was a regular.

Doug: Stop talking to me like that.
Tony: Stop lying to me like that.

[to Ziva] Think about it. First you had your little Miami vice, now Prince Albert in a can. Oh, they can't help it. You're just a walking Israeli love machine.

Ziva: Apologize.
Tony: What for?
Ziva: For being you.
Tony: Sweetheart, if I had a dollar for every time I did that, I'd be loaded.

Dempsey: Who's he?
Tony: Public affairs officer.
Dempsey: You brought your publicist to a bomb threat?

Who's the new face of NCIS? You're lookin' at it, McEnvy.

Come on, $22 a pound for rib eye? That's the real crime.

Tony: You need some lady advice.
Tim: I'd rather get a lap dance from a nun.

NCIS Quotes

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.

Tony: One other question, I know you're an expert in English history. And I was just wondering, have you ever heard of Archibald Drummond, the 17th Earl of Trent?
Ducky: The Earl of Trent. No, I can't say I have. Why?
Tony: I was just wondering. Thanks.