NCIS

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Ncis
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Tony: Notice anything different McGee? We installed the new computer monitors.
McGee: You touched my desk?
Tony: It was their idea.
Kevin: We wanted to thank you.
Khan: No we--don't say that out loud.
McGee: No no no, this monitor should be more to the left.
Tony: Okay let's go to the van. Nobody needs to see this part of Tim McGee. C'mon IT Kevin.
McGee: Come on. Didn't even bundle all the cables.

Jake: Agent DiNozzo, I presume?
Tony: The elusive Jake. It's nice to know Bishop hasn't been catfishing us all year. I was starting to wonder.
Bishop: Well you can stop wondering, Tony. As you can see, Jake is quite real.
Tony: Unless he's a hologram who can shake hands.
Jake: NSA is actually working on one of those, I've seen the prototype.
Tony: Yeah that'd be pretty fun. Really?
Jake: No.
Tony: Had me, for a second. That's too bad, because I'd like one of those. I like him, he's quick.

Tony: I hate couples.
Bishop: You asked how we met.
Jake: Granted, you kind of had to be there.
Tony: Oh no, not you guys. You're great. Just couples in general.

Bishop: His gun's gone, Tony.
Tony: Great. We're snowed in here with an airport filled with cranky passengers, a dead fake Air Marshall and his killer on the loose somewhere on the loose with a knife and a gun. Anybody else feel like they're playing Clue?

Tony: Maybe that's why we never see Jake. Maybe she ate him.
Bishop: Or maybe he's just busy.
Tony: Or maybe you had him with fava beans, and a nice Chianti

Tony: You know the "Men" in "Men's Room" is more of a rule than a suggestion, probie.
Bishop: Look, you two always get to go off giggling to the urinal together and I always get left out. So we're going to talk and we're going to do it here.

Trust us, Bishop. The Abby dating world is a vortex you do not want to get sucked into. Sometimes it's complicated. Just let Abby be Abby.

Tony: He followed me, for like two blocks. I couldn't just shut the door on him.
McGee: I thought you didn't like cats.
Tony: I don't. I gave the landlord 48 hours to find him another place to live, or his furry ass is out on the street.

Tony: You know, being in here, surrounded by one man's quest to find his friend and give him a proper burial....it's really made me think about the importance of friendship.
McGee: Wow. Thanks Tony.
Tony: Oh not you.
McGee: This is the cat you found.
Tony: Yeah. Rick Blaine. I named him after Humphrey Bogart's character in Casablanca, because of the furry tuxedo.
McGee: You named him?
Tony: Yeah. I'm going to keep him. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

McGee: She doesn't want to wear a costume.
Tony: What? Are you insane? For the love of all that is holy, probie - let's get with the program. Abby takes this holiday very seriously. You deviate from the plan, you pay the consequences. Tell her, McGee.
McGee: Halloween 2007, I told Abby I didn't want to carve a pumpkin.
Tony: He's still waiting for the other one to descend.

Bishop: What about Chris in HR?
Tony: Nah. Too judgmental. She never laughed at the emails I sent her.
McGee: That's because they were offensive.
Tony: See? Too judgmental.
Bishop: What about Erica from accounting? What went wrong there?
Tony: Cats. They were all named Mr. Darcy.
Bishop: Don't you think you're being a little picky?
Tony: Well, there's a lot of fish in the sea.
McGee: Not at the rate you've been fishing.
Tony: What can I say, McGee? Women find me alluring.

Keates: Spider?
Tony: Keates?
Gibbs: You know her?
Tony: Um, well I..in a sort of...yeah. She's Philly PD.
Keates: She was. She's ATF now. Special Agent Zoe Keates. You want to get that gun out of my face and come over here and give me a hug?

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 270 in total

NCIS Quotes

McGee: Rule number 70 - keep digging till you hit bottom.
Abby: McGee! There is no rule 70.
McGee: Well, I--
Abby: You just made up a rule. This McGibbs thing has really gone to your head. I don't even recognize you right now.

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.