How I Met Your Mother

Barney Stinson Quotes

Barney: Come on Robin, it's my penis we're talkin' about! You've seen her, she's magnificent!
Robin: She?
Barney: Every penis is a girl Robin. Everyone knows that, like ships...and lake monsters.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: For God's sake Lily, you're pregnant! For God's sake Ted, Lily's pregnant!
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: Ted, when they serve alcohol at a strip club, you're not allowed to show your vagina.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
Ted: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
Barney: I'm your two best friends!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut Up Lily I'm in charge now... Dary!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Kevin: Hey guys where are Marshall and Lily?
Robin: Something terrible happened.
Kevin: Are they ok? Are they in the hospital?
Barney: No, somewhere much, much worse...
Marshall: Long Island!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Here's twenty for picking up a girl with only one word and here's another twenty for that word being boner.
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Barney: So you're pregnant? Huh, looks like nobody told your boobs.
 • Rating: 4.6 / 5.0

Ted: Sorry dude, we gotta wait for the real thing, no matter how tough it gets.
Barney: It gets pretty tough.
Ted: I know it does buddy.
 • Rating: 4.2 / 5.0

Barney: A kid needs a pet cobra. Ted don't be pill about this.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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