Barney: There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Barney: Robin and I have been keeping track of how many beds we've had sex in. We've had sex in 83 and a half beds
Ted: A half?
Barney: 19th century ottoman in an antique space
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Barney [about Canadian $5 bill]: There's kids playing hockey on the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!
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Barney: Canada's not so bad. If they play their cards right they may even become a state one day
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Barney: ...to prove you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to...
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Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?
Barney: It's Canada. Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two, really?
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Barney: Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you
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Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?
Barney: Maybe, but they're Armani!
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Barney: The US Navy discovered aliens at the bottom of the ocean and for reasons I can't explain, they selected Robin and I to lead the expedition
Lily: That sounds like stuff you say to women when you're trying to get rid of them
Marshall: That's exactly what is sounds like, but if it's true that sounds totally awesome
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Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you lived upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging
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Total Quotes: 294
