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How-i-met-your-mother

Barney: I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake.
Ted: You're talking about her boobs, right?
Barney: C. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?

Barney: And stop shouting, you're scaring Cottontail.
Ted: You named the rabbit?
Barney: You took longer to get here than I thought, we bonded and I'm keeping her.

Barney: Dude you are so in, a high five doesn't cut it. High Six!
Ted: She didn't see us High Six did she?
Robin: No.
Barney: Good. That was pretty lame.
Ted: Yeah, let's never do that again.

Velour tracksuits! Remote control helicopters! Condoms! And last but not least there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to...A STRIP CLUB! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're going to give me a lap dance! Everyone gets a lap dance!

Barney [playing laser tag, on phone with Ted]: Hey, loser. How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! [kid fires at Barney as he runs by] Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

Barney Stinson how may I direct my penis?

I want American Scotch from Scotland!

Oh my god they're six minutes into the date! Ted has probably already told her that he loves her! We gotta get down there!

Lily: Terms, if you can do all that stuff that Marshall just listed off I will let you touch one boob.
Barney: Both boobs!
Lily: Just one.
Barney: Touch and squeeze.
Lily: Just touch.
Barney: Touch and motor boat.
Lily: Just touch.
Barney: Honka honka?
Lily: Barney...
Barney: Just touch
Lily: Just touch.
Barney: For one hour.
Lily: For one second.
Barney: Twenty minutes both boobs.
Lily: Thirty seconds one boob.
Barney: Four minutes, both boobs, three squeezes.
Lily: One minute, both boobs, one squeeze.
Barney: Deal!

People like being lied to. They just don't like finding out they've been lied to.

Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you

Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 657 in total

HIMYM Quotes

Robin: Let's make a pact, if we both turn 40 and we're both single..
Ted: Robin Scherbatsky, will you be my backup wife?
Robin: A girl always dreams of hearing those words. Yes, yes, a million times, yes!

You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

Barney
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