Scrubs

Bob Kelso Quotes

Kelso: Thanks again Turkleton for giving me the lift. Hitching rides with the students was not working out. The constant stops at keg parties and strip clubs. They just weren't into them. Hey, nobody hustles Kelso while in the champagne room. That is my house.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kelso: You have no idea how many times I've been out late and had to pass on my seventh drink. No more Mr. Responsible.
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: Sir, do you just hang around waiting for conversations to weigh in on?
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, that and my judge shows get me through the day.
 • Rating: Unrated

Turk: Somebody is parked in my spot!
Dr. Kelso: Boo hoo, it takes me eleven minutes to pee.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kelso: Bar codes? What the hell is this, a supermarket? That's a human being, for god's sake!
Dr. Cox: Listen, old prospector. I know that any new machine scares you, but here's the well-held secret: you know that box that records your favorite television shows? There isn't a demon inside of it!
Kelso: Then how does it know what I like?! I miss the good old days, when doctors and patients actually got to know each other. You know, back when sexually harassing a nurse was just considered polite chit-chat.
Turk: Yes...the good old days. Back when a man of my color couldn't be a doctor...but could live out his life-long dream of one day driving a white woman to her hair appointments. Yes. Things were much better back then.
Dr. Kelso: See? Turkleton gets it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kelso: Can I do the interview with that little number in the second row? She said I reminded her of her grandfather and I think I can use that to at least get her top off.
Cox: You're a hell of an educator, Bob.
Kelso: I do it for them.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cox: Now it is time for a boring announcement about a pointless tradition brought to you by an empty figure head with a failing liver and an over active libido.
Kelso: Thank you, Perry. You and your filled muscle smut.
Cox: I miss this.
Kelso: Yeah me too, it kills me that we're friends now.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cole: Hey, you got any of those weiner pills?
Kelso: Who do you think you're talking to son? I'll give you one for $10.
Cole: You got change for a $20?
Kelso: Nope. [takes money] We'll drop a couple of these bad boys and go trolling for ladies at the airport bar.
Cole: Will you be my grandpa?
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Dr. Cox, did you hear that I'm quitting?
Dr. Cox: I did, Ted, and I don't know how to pretend to care.
Ted: Understandable.
Dr. Kelso: Theodore, I always figured that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.
Ted: Yeah, that was the dream.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kelso: Methinks it's quitting time. Goodnight, Gooch. Ted.
Ted: That's it? I've been your whipping for eight years and all I get before I disappear forever is a wet clammy handshake? And, yes, I know that's from my hand not yours. And, yes, I know we've never really been friends. And, yes, I know the Gooch is way too attractive for me. I know that's not relevant right now, but it's always on my mind. [to Gooch]: Please don't leave me for a baritone.
Gooch: I won't.
Kelso: Ted, I'm so hammered right now all I can think of is those thirty cent hot dogs at the gas station, so wrap it up.
Ted: You owe me more than a handshake.
 • Rating: Unrated

Are we missing your favorite quote from "?" Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!