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Two-and-a-half-men

Chelsea [about Jake]: There has to be something beneath that sullen exterior.
Charlie: Yes, a D student with a perpetual boner.

Evelyn: I'm doubly pleased that you two have been able to put behind your obvious distasteful history and become such good friends
Chelsea: What distasteful history?
Berta: Come on, at least let them cook my breakfast
Evelyn: Most women would resent the former lover of their fiancee sleeping in the same house as them...
Berta: It ain't me, keep on cooking

Chelsea: So you could see yourself having kids one day?
Charlie: I don't see why not. It turns out I like babies and, as you know, I'm a long time fan of intercourse

Charlie: Please tell me that's one of those zen sand gardens
Chelsea: You know very well that's Sir lancelot's litter box
Charlie: You brought the cat?
Chelsea: Of course I brought the cat. What did you think I was going to do with him?
Charlie: I don't know, return him to the wild?
Chelsea: You're being ridiculous
Charlie: Is it ridiculous to want the turds in my bathroom to be human?

Chelsea: I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and we're not living together
Charlie: Well excuse me for being old fashioned. I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin
Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?
Charlie: No no, it's not the sin I object to, it's the living in it

Charlie: Tell you what. I'll trade you, site unseen, my mom for yours
Chelsea: Charlie..
Charlie: I'll even throw in Alan and a couple of Omaha Steaks

Chelsea: What's wrong with me having a warm and a healthy relationship with your mother?
Charlie: For starters, you'll be the only one... ever!
Chelsea: Oh, don't be so dramatic
Charlie: I should be wearing tights and holding a skull... preferably hers

Chelsea: You didn't tell your mom we were engaged?
Charlie: If she didn't sell me the house, she wouldn't know where I lived

Chelsea: Do you want to explain to me why this woman is sending naked pictures of herself?
Charlie: I'd love to explain it
Chelse: ... go ahead
Charlie: I said I'd love to, I didn't say I could

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