Two and a Half Men

We're going to start off this review of Two and a Half Men by stating we're unbelivably thrilled that it looks like the demise of the Charlie and Chelsea relationship.  While we're not expecting Charlie to remain single forever and the show to keep the same formula, he needs to be with someone that keeps the show entertaining.  Rose, anyone?

That said, the ending of Charlie's painful relationship still didn't make "Aye, Aye Captain" one of the strongest of the season.  Sure the episode had Berta, Jake and Evelyn all hopping in with great jokes to support Charlie and Alan, but the episode was still much too serious and relationshipy.

We have gone seven season without seeing Charlie Sheen's terrible attempt at acting while crying and we could have gone seven more (if Sheen's felony charges don't stop that).  We'll be a little forgiving because, as we started off this review, the relationship ended and our showcan hopefully return to its working formula.

Now for some great Two and a Half Men quotes from an episode that included Charlie vomitting on a baby... as a major plot advancing tool:

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It's definitely rare for the syndication-friendly Two and a Half Men to feature a "to be continued..." ending, but apparently last night's episode, "Crude and Uncalled For" had just too much story to pack in there.

Last night, Alan's Internet date landed him in jail (really, whose hasn't?), and Charlie's fiancee seemed to be crushing hardcore on Alan's lawyer, Brad (Steven Eckholdt).  That takes us somewhere about ten minutes into the episode.

From there, the episode became about Alan convincing Charlie he should be jealous and never have let Chelsea go to Brad's charity event by herself.  Rather than simply arriving, we spent the rest of the time with the boys as they dragged Jake along and failed to follow their GPS to the ranch.  Instead, they get lost and Jake does a horrible mountain lion impression.

Our biggest complaint with the episode isn't the jokes, because they were there, despite there being no appearance by our favorite cast member, Berta.  Our biggest complaint was that the episode couldn't resolve itself in a neat half hour package, while wasting time on pointless scenes.

Two and a Half Men is a sitcom and there's really no reason to drag this out into two episodes unless there's actually going to be major plot development.  We're crossing our fingers that Chelsea did in fact cheat on Charlie and we can return to the old formula that made this show work so well.  Otherwise, shame on you writers for messing with us.

With that in mind, we're giving the episode a boost to our rating, hoping this means to downfall of a lame couple.  Now on to our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes after the jump.

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We hate to say it, but this week's episode of Two and a Half Men may have been too cheesy and generic-sitcom for even our favorite generic sitcom.

The episode, "Yay, No Polyps!" started off just fine with Charlie making up an excuse of getting a colonoscopy to avoid visiting Chelsea's parents.  We especially liked the fun twist of Chelsea knowing Charlie was lying and flying her parents in to torture her fiance.

Our issue with the episode actually started when Chelsea's parents, Tom (Stacy Keach) and Martha came to visit.  While they were initially presented as good old fashioned bigots, Tom's obsession with homosexuals made it obvious that something was coming of it.

In taking the homophoebic plotline a little too far, Tom quickly outed himself at the bar and decided to leave his wife for his old Navy buddy.  Really?  We get that the guy already packed knowing he was planning to sneak away to visit his old Navy buddy and this wasn't exactly 100% spur-of-the-moment, but it definitely felt too forced, cheesy, and ultimately unfunny to us,

The only saving grace was for Charlie, who ended up getting away with his lie.  Overall, it was a very mediocre outing for this otherwise consistently funny show.  Now for our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes from the first half of the episode before it took a turn for the worse:

Alan: Okay let me see if I got this straight: in order to not spend time with your fiance's parents, you're going to let a doctor snake a camera up your kiester?
Charlie: I'd be willing to let them shoot an IMAX feature. | permalink

Charlie: I'm out of baby wipes.
Chelsea: I bought you two boxes of baby wipes.
Charlie: What can I tell you, babies don't crap like this. At least not healthy babies. | permalink

Chelsea [after colonoscopy]: How you feeling?
Charlie: Like a new fish at Leavenworth.
Chelsea: Don't be so dramatic. Good news is you have a clean bill of health.
Charlie: Yes, but I lost my water tight seal.
Chelsea: Yes, but you have peace of mind.
Charlie: Yes, but now I can't wear white at our wedding. | permalink

Tom: Hey Charlie, when we drove in I noticed a tavern down the road. What do you say we go have a drink and get to know each other a little better?
Charlie: Sure, I guess, but if you're on the fence about me right now, I don't think alcohol is going to improve my chances. | permalink

Last night was the first new episode of Two and a Half Men since Charlie Sheen was arrested for assault and we're curious to see how the episode fares in the ratings.  As fans of the show, we were unphased and Charlie was still Charlie to us.  We're just curious how the American population feels.

Well, the's enough celebrity gossip talk for us.  On to our actual review of the epiosde, "Fat Jokes, Pie, & Celeste."  The episode started off perfectly... by shipping Chelsea off.  I think every episode this season should just start following that formula if they insist on keeping her around.

Normally, Jake is shoved off to the side and is just the butt of the jokes.  However, this week, Jake almost like one of the guys, dishing back at Charlie as much, if not more than he was taking.  We're easily up to Two and Three-Quarters Men at this point.  We actually really enjoyed the storyline as Jake mourned the end of his relationship.

Meanwhile, Alan and Herb (Ryan Stiles) really shined as these star-crossed lovers were kept separated by Judith.  These two goofy actors were able to perfectly walk the line between friendshpip and lovers without making things too awkward and keeping it funny.

Overall, this was a great installment in the season and we hope to see plenty more Chelsea-less editions in the future.  Now for our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes by Charlie, Alan and Jake:

Alan: This might have been the worst date of my life.
Charlie: Did she dress you in a leather bustier and tie you to a bed?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she super glue a model car to your balls?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she talk you into trying on one of mom's dresses while she stole your wallet?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then this wasn't even your worst date this month.
Alan: No, I suppose. And thanks for the highlight reel, by the way. | permalink

Charlie: Girls don't generally respond to desperation.
Jake: How do you know?
Charlie: Are you kidding? I've been watching your father get shot down for twenty five years. It's like living with an air force training film. | permalink

Jake: I think she was the one.
Charlie: The one what?
Jake: The one that I thought was pretty and liked me and was gonna maybe let me do stuff to her one day. | permalink

Charlie: Look at the bright side, you got a great song out of it. Twelve more girls piss on you and you got an album, or a fetish. | permalink

In honor of the release of the Charlie Sheen 911 call, we've put together our favorite quotes from the shortened fifth season of Two and a Half Men.  Too soon?

Although season five only had 19 episodes due to the writer strike, the season still had plenty of memorable moments including the CSI crossover episode, the introduction of Mr. Waffles, and the gorgeous Jenny McCarthy guest starring.

You can browse our complete collection of Two and a Half Men season 5 quotes or browse our favorites below:

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks. | permalink

Alan: Hey, Berta, you're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering-what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over. | permalink

Charlie: Hey.
Linda: What are you doing here?
Charlie: I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career. For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Well, yeah! Unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night, so my mother gave me what I assume was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock. | permalink

Teddy: Come on, Evelyn, give the kid a break. He was probably out last night sowing some wild oats.
Evelyn: He's 40 years old! He has no more wild oats. Just warmed over Cream of Wheat. | permalink

Teddy: Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
Charlie: Anything for you, Teddy. Name it.
Teddy: Stay away from Courtney.
Charlie: Name something else. | permalink

Charlie: You're supposed to meet her there.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "Why?" You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
Alan: You didn't say anything about that.
Charlie: It's common sense. Do you know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be hurt feelings, and the ride home would be awkward! | permalink

Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me. | permalink

Evelyn: We're at the same theater. What a happy coincidence.
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln. | permalink

It was Christmas Eve at the Harper household, and in typical Two and a Half Men fashion, we were just waiting for things to fall apart.  At the beginning of the episode, things actually seemed like they were going well.

Alan was preparing a nice feast, Evelyn headed over with a prospective client, and Berta was even staying over as a guest.  How could it go wrong?  That's when Charlie decided to take Jake under his wing and encourage him to cheat on Celeste.

You can find out exactly what happened in our recap of "Warning, it's Dirty."  We're just here to give you a review on what we though worked and what didn't:

• We love Carl Reiner and appreciate all his meta jokes as Marty Pepper, a fictional television producer, however, he just wasn't given good enough material.
• Berta betting her bonus double or nothing, losing, and then Charlie giving her back the money?  Very sweet.  Her trying again?  So Berta, so awesome.
• Really when Jake managed to land any girl, why would Charlie encourage Jake to cheat?  We though his mission was to get Jake laid.  Stick with the sure fire bet, not some strange.
• Haha, Alan asking Jake if he could still ask out Celeste's mom.  Such a nerdy hornball.
• Loved Charlie calling Jake his son due to common law and asking to have another.  Maybe Alan's ugly daughter can move in after a few seasons.

Overall we would say it was a decent episode and now for some of our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes after the jump.

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Christmas is just around the corner and that can only mean one thing... it's time for all the Holiday themed sitcoms!  This week we were already treated to a Christmas on Modern Family.

This upcoming Monday we'll be joining the Harper family as they celebrate Christmas in a way only Charlie and Alan can.  In traditional Two and a Half Men fashion, lots of odd balls will show up to the festival including a television producer, Marty Pepper played by Carl Reiner, brought to the festivites by Evelyn.

Our favorite member of the Two and a Half Men cast, Berta, will be attending as well, but not as a maid.  Berta will sit back and relax with Charlie while poor Alan does all the work.

Meanwhile, Jake's girlfriend, Celeste, will be going out of town for the holidays, and our favorite awkward teenager consults his Uncle Charlie for some advice on infidelity and we're guessing responsible for the episode's title, "Warning, it's Dirty." 

Click to enlarge any of the following episode stills.

The main plot of this week's episode of Two and a Half Men revolved around Chelsea trying to Charlie to take dance classes with her, while upon his mother's advice Charlie was trying to get a prenup out of Chelsea.

While we loved the twist on the latter when it turns out Chelsea has been hiding her money from Charlie and was more than happy to sign a prenup, this episode belonged to Alan.

The Alan scenes were completely subtle and they were simply him crying while watching his first wedding video.  The scenes of him dancing with his amazing hair and 'stache to "I Had the Time of My Life" with Judith might just win this guy a second Emmy. 

Oh man, and then Charlie stumbling out of the closet after sleeping with Judith's sister, an event that has been referred to many times in the show's seven seasons, was classic as well.  It's weird for anything to be subtle in Two and a Half Men or for it to be the highlight of the episode, but "That's Why They Call It Ball Room" impressed us.

Now for some of our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes from the half hour.

Alan: This mean she's financially well off and doesn't care about your money.
Charlie: Which makes me trust her even less.
Alan: What!?
Charlie: Alan, think it through. If she's not interested in my money, then why is she marrying me?
Alan: I have no idea.
Charlie: Exactly, we may have to consider the possibility that Chelsea is insane.
Alan: I see your point. | permalink

Charlie: Chelsea and I had a fight.
Alan: I'm sorry to hear that, did you want to talk about?
Charlie: I just did. Now go sleep on the couch.
Alan: Wait, if you and Chelsea had a fight, why do I have to sleep on the couch?
Charlie: You ever hear of crap rolling uphill? | permalink

Charlie: I am not middle aged.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry...
Charlie: You, you're middle aged!
Alan: I'm younger than you...
Charlie: You're also broke, losing your hair, and sleeping in my hide-a-bed.
Alan: You always gotta bring a gun to a knife fight don't you? | permalink

Alan: Dance with me.
Charlie: Are you out of your mind?
Alan: I just want to give you a few tips.
Charlie: Keep your tip away from me. | permalink

We learned two things from this week's episode of Two and a Half Men: The writers really do seem to be stickign with this horrible Chelsea-Charlie storyline and giving us lame Charlie plotlines, but at least Alan's B Story can hold up the episode.

Luckily, Alan and his "Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair" product and horrible online dating (despite not actually seeing the dates) kept us entertained.  We used to count on Charlie for the adventures in this show.  Now he seems content to sleep with Chelsea, whine, and show his sensitive side.  Oh yeah, that's what we signed up for.

Did we at least mention how phenomenal Berta was?  She's always been one of our favorite supporting cast members, but in this episode she really shined.  She was around the entire episode giving advice and scarring our minds with images of her sleeping with the water guy.

Now for some of the surprisingly good Two and a Half Men quotes from this mediocre episode:

Chelsea: You do realize Jake just snuck out of the house...
Charlie: He's grounded, how else is he supposed to leave? | permalink

Charlie: So that's it, that's all i have to look forward to? A wife that has to go to a happy place every time I have sex with her.
Berta: Is Chelsea complaining?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Can you read her mind?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then don't worry about it. | permalink

Charlie: I don't know how to tell you this, but your bangs are dripping down your face.
Alan: Little lesson for you. There's two things you never wanted to buy on the cheap: canned hair and condoms.
Charlie: I'm assuming it never got to condoms.
Alan: No, it did not. Once my hair started dripping on her chicken marsala the evening was pretty well shot. | permalink

Charlie: This is the beginning of the end. First our sex life goes to hell. Then we start eating dinner at 4:30, watching reruns of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, then at nine o'clock, we pee, shake hands and go to sleep. | permalink

So this season has been a little disappointing with Charlie's engagement to Chelsea, but last night we couldn't think of a single complaint about Two and a Half Men.  The episode featuring Tricia Helfer in a sexy nightgown with Chelsea may have had something to do with it.

The episode also featured several inner monologue bits that revealed just what Charlie is thinking and to be honest it was almost as scary as it was funny.  Alan took the cake though with his "Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle." thoughts, while not even saying an actual word to Gail.

However, the line of the episode went to Berta.  Just check hers out and the rest of our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes:

Charlie: I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.
Berta: You got the perfect tool for the job.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Berta: The one tool that's guaranteed to drive any woman out of the house.
Alan [entering the room]: Hello.
Berta: Oh look, it's an Alan wrench. | permalink

Alan: There is a very good chance a woman like that is tired rich, handsome, successful guys that have their own homes and recently built cars.
Charlie: You really believe that?
Alan: I have to. | permalink

Alan [about Gail]: I felt a little spark between us
Charlie: If there was a spark it's because she was warming up her taser | permalink

Jake: Do either of you guys urinate with abnormal frequency?
Alan and Charlie: No.
Charlie: I mean, you gotta define abnormal
Alan: Keep in mind the body doesn't process alcohol efficiently, which is why your Uncle Charlie is a perpetual urine machine
Charlie: Also keep in mind your father has the bladder control of a frightened nine year old girl, which is why he needs to wear two pairs of undies and a panty liner
Alan: Only on long drives | permalink