Two and a Half Men > Quotes
Charlie: If Chelsea were your fiancee, you'd have bigger problems.
Alan: Like what?
Charlie: Being the last man on Earth. [permalink]
Alan: That guy is everything you're not.
Charlie: What's that mean?
Alan: He likes people, he loves his mother, works with children, and he doesn't tumble through life stinking of whsikey and KY jelly.
Charlie: Hey, KY jelly is odorless.
Alan: Not where you put it. [permalink]
Evelyn: Nobody wants to go to jail sweetie, but let's face it, if all we're talking about is sixty days alone in a room with no friends, how's that different from two months squatting in your brother's house? [permalink]
Evelyn: Now before we waste money on some expensive lawyer, how much jail time are talking about if you just roll over.
Alan: I don't want to go to jail.
Charlie: And if he does, he's certainly going to want to roll over.
Evelyn: Charles, that was crude and uncalled for. [permalink]
Alan: Ten hours! Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell.
Charlie: You shouldn't have peed yourself. [permalink]
Louanne: So have you done the internet dating thing before?
Alan: All the time and if you're interested I know a couple tricks to weed out the losers.
Louanne: I'm very interested. [permalink]
Tom: Hey Charlie, when we drove in I noticed a tavern down the road. What do you say we go have a drink and get to know each other a little better?
Charlie: Sure, I guess, but if you're on the fence about me right now, I don't think alcohol is going to improve my chances. [permalink]
Chelsea [after colonoscopy]: How you feeling?
Charlie: Like a new fish at Leavenworth.
Chelsea: Don't be so dramatic. Good news is you have a clean bill of health.
Charlie: Yes, but I lost my water tight seal.
Chelsea: Yes, but you have peace of mind.
Charlie: Yes, but now I can't wear white at our wedding. [permalink]
Charlie: I'm out of baby wipes.
Chelsea: I bought you two boxes of baby wipes.
Charlie: What can I tell you, babies don't crap like this. At least not healthy babies. [permalink]
Alan: Okay let me see if I got this straight: in order to not spend time with your fiance's parents, you're going to let a doctor snake a camera up your kiester?
Charlie: I'd be willing to let them shoot an IMAX feature. [permalink]
Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean... I miss Sex and the City.
Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay. [permalink]
Jake: I think she was the one.
Charlie: The one what?
Jake: The one that I thought was pretty and liked me and was gonna maybe let me do stuff to her one day. [permalink]
Charlie: Look at the bright side, you got a great song out of it. Twelve more girls piss on you and you got an album, or a fetish. [permalink]
Charlie: Girls don't generally respond to desperation.
Jake: How do you know?
Charlie: Are you kidding? I've been watching your father get shot down for twenty five years. It's like living with an air force training film. [permalink]
Jake: I love her.
Alan: Stop it, you love fart jokes and pie.
Jake: Fart jokes, pie and Celeste. [permalink]
Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says heard any good jokes lately and the other one, get this, lights him on fire. [permalink]
Alan: This might have been the worst date of my life.
Charlie: Did she dress you in a leather bustier and tie you to a bed?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she super glue a model car to your balls?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she talk you into trying on one of mom's dresses while she stole your wallet?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then this wasn't even your worst date this month.
Alan: No, I suppose. And thanks for the highlight reel, by the way. [permalink]
Charlie: Let's see, what's the proper wine for the occasion? Oh, who cares? Everything goes with ass-biting. [permalink]
Charlie: I think they got the place to themselves, so he might get a little "Peace on Earth" tonight.
Alan: How do you make everything sound dirty?
Charlie:: Hey, I took the high road. I could have gone with "Come All Ye Faithful." [permalink]
Alan: This may be your house, but this is my son.
Charlie: But you've been living here for seven years, which makes us a common law couple, which makes him our kid. [permalink]
