Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Season 10 Episode 23: "Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped"

Berta: So, Japan, huh?
Jake? Yeah, the Big Apple.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Jake: I think pizza is the thing I am going to miss the most when I go to Japan.
Alan: Really, pizza?
Jake: Yeah, that and sushi.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: So, Japan, huh? I am excited for you.
Jake: Yeah, my only worry is that they have not found Godzilla.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 22: "My Bodacious Vidalia"

Berta: Ha Zippy, like it wasn't easy before.
Alan: I would not expect you to understand European chic.
Berta: Seems like European on a power line.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: So how old is this guy..?
Alan: Let me put it this way, he was one of the original investors in Apple, the fruit.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I appreciate the pep talk, but I have lost all hope.
Walden: Well, I can't give you hope, but I can give you my American Express black card.
Alan: Hope is for losers.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: Hey, what are you doing..?
Alan: Just going down memory lane. This is a photo book Lyndsey gave me, oh look, here we are at the Santa Monica pier, "Oh Alan, I am having such a great time, I know it looks like I am only eating cotton candy, but really, I am just waiting for someone better to come along, so I can just dump your sorry ass"
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 21: "Another Night with Neil Diamond"

Walden: Lyndsey is downstairs, breaking up with Alan.
Berta: Well, we knew this was coming. First time, I saw her, I told her to blink twice, if she was being held hostage.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: If I am such a great guy, then why did Lyndsey leave me?
Berta: Oh, there is no telling with chicks, but don't worry, you will find somebody else
Alan: As good as Lyndsey?
Berta: Ha, look at you, already making jokes.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: What do you want?
Berta: A motorcycle and another night with Neil Diamond.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 20: "Bazinga! That's From a TV Show"

Tammy: I have failed as a parent.

Walden: It is not that bad..
Tammy: Somehow, my daughter has narrowed her choices to a 19-year old who needs to ask the Wizard for the brain and a sleazy car salesman who barely missed a Dateline special.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Hey, she hit me with the wall of respect.

Tammy: And you slept with my daughter.

Jake: So we will call it even?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: What a nice surprise to have you home for the weekend.
Jake: It is good to be back.

Walden: I hope you guys know that this is not your home.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 19: "Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon"

Walden: This house is a mess. I think I should just cut my losses and sell it.

Alan: Don't even joke like that.
 • Rating: Unrated

Herb: Have a drink.

Walden: I don't think I can.
Herb: Come on, I did not fix those nuts, so you could grow a vagina.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: That was the most pain I have experienced in a long time.

Alan: Says the only one in this room that was not married to Judith.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 18: "The 9.04 From Pemberton"

Jake: If there was a freeloader's Hall of Fame, my dad will be living in it... for free.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: You know what the problem is? Walden does not appreciate anything I bring to the party.
Lyndsey: I have never seen you bring anything to a party, except a Ziploc bag to steal the shrimp.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: By the way, in case I forget, I may be a little late on Monday.
Walden: No problem, when should I expect you?
Berta: Wednesday.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 17: "Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries"

Bridget: Seems like we both $1,000 to sleep with people we already know. 

Walden: Wait. You paid $1,000? I paid $2,000.

Bridget: Seems like you got screwed more than once today.
 • Rating: Unrated

Are we missing your favorite "Two and a Half Men" quote? Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!