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Two-and-a-half-men

So, Japan, huh?
Jake? Yeah, the Big Apple.

Berta

Jake: I think pizza is the thing I am going to miss the most when I go to Japan.
Alan: Really, pizza?
Jake: Yeah, that and sushi.

Walden: So, Japan, huh? I am excited for you.
Jake: Yeah, my only worry is that they have not found Godzilla.

Berta: Ha Zippy, like it wasn't easy before.
Alan: I would not expect you to understand European chic.
Berta: Seems like European on a power line.

Walden: So how old is this guy..?
Alan: Let me put it this way, he was one of the original investors in Apple, the fruit.

Alan: I appreciate the pep talk, but I have lost all hope.
Walden: Well, I can't give you hope, but I can give you my American Express black card.
Alan: Hope is for losers.

Walden: Hey, what are you doing..?
Alan: Just going down memory lane. This is a photo book Lyndsey gave me, oh look, here we are at the Santa Monica pier, "Oh Alan, I am having such a great time, I know it looks like I am only eating cotton candy, but really, I am just waiting for someone better to come along, so I can just dump your sorry ass"

Walden: Lyndsey is downstairs, breaking up with Alan.
Berta: Well, we knew this was coming. First time, I saw her, I told her to blink twice, if she was being held hostage.

Alan: If I am such a great guy, then why did Lyndsey leave me?
Berta: Oh, there is no telling with chicks, but don't worry, you will find somebody else
Alan: As good as Lyndsey?
Berta: Ha, look at you, already making jokes.

Alan: What do you want?
Berta: A motorcycle and another night with Neil Diamond.

Tammy: I have failed as a parent.

Walden: It is not that bad..
Tammy: Somehow, my daughter has narrowed her choices to a 19-year old who needs to ask the Wizard for the brain and a sleazy car salesman who barely missed a Dateline special.

Jake: Hey, she hit me with the wall of respect.

Tammy: And you slept with my daughter.

Jake: So we will call it even?

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 1283 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Lyndsey: Oh, God. You saw "Cinnamon's Buns?"
Charlie: Not all the way through. Though I'm very familiar with the bakery shop scene in the middle. You know, with the frosting gun?

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