Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Episode 13: "A Possum on Chemo"

Lyndsey: There's not enough cranberry juice in the world to put out the fire between my legs.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I tried, [the beard] grew in patchy. I looked like a possum on chemo.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Episode 12: "Slowly and in a Circular Fashion"

Alan: Can i tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Episode 9: "A Fishbowl Full Of Glass Eyes"

Alan: I haven't had any pride since the gym showers in seventh grade.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I can't possibly produce enough sperm or blood to get myself out of the hole i'm in.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: In the dating game, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If superman was a vagina.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: Your son makes one heck of a wingman.
Jake: You make it easy boss.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Episode 8: "Frodo's Headshots"

Alan: It wasn't a nut house, it was a stress clinic.
Jake: What's the difference?
Alan: About $2500 / week.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Oh thank god I'm still in a looney bin.
Gary Busey: It's a stress clinic.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Alan: I'm soaking wet and i had to give a truck driver half a handy to get here.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Episode 7: "Thank You For The Intercourse"

Walden: Is he prone to mental breakdowns?
Berta: Prone? No. Eligible? Certainly.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: I'll give you a hint, I didn't do the dog people style.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Jake: Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.
Alan: That's nice.
Jake: He treated me more like a stupid person.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Jake: Man they got my good bong.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Walden: We're talk songs, thongs, bongs and schlongs.
Alan: If he had an autobiography, that'd be the title.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Episode 6: "Those Fancy Japanese Toilets"

Evelyn: For god sake's walden, I'm old enough to be your mother. Assuming a teenage pregnancy, of course.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Walden: I'm not going sleep with your mother.
Alan: If I had a dime for every time i heard that, I'd have have $3.60. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's 36 times.
 • Rating: 3.5 / 5.0

Walden: Can we get one of those fancy Japanese toilets that sprays water and sprays your tooshie.
Evelyn: With your money you can find an actual Japanese person to do it
Walden: See what you can find.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

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