Season 7, Episode 8: "Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle."
Charlie: I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.Berta: You got the perfect tool for the job.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Berta: The one tool that's guaranteed to drive any woman out of the house.
Alan [entering the room]: Hello.
Berta: Oh look, it's an Alan wrench.
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Charlie [to Alan]: What do you have going on today? You going to play a little tennis in 1958?
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Alan: There is a very good chance a woman like that is tired rich, handsome, successful guys that have their own homes and recently built cars.
Charlie: You really believe that?
Alan: I have to.
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Alan [about Gail]: I felt a little spark between us
Charlie: If there was a spark it's because she was warming up her taser
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Jake: Do either of you guys urinate with abnormal frequency?
Alan and Charlie: No.
Charlie: I mean, you gotta define abnormal
Alan: Keep in mind the body doesn't process alcohol efficiently, which is why your Uncle Charlie is a perpetual urine machine
Charlie: Also keep in mind your father has the bladder control of a frightened nine year old girl, which is why he needs to wear two pairs of undies and a panty liner
Alan: Only on long drives
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Season 7, Episode 7: "Untainted by Filth"
Evelyn: Confession may be good for the soul, but for marriage, it's a hot, lead enema.• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Evelyn: The sooner you two get married, the sooner I'll have more grandchildren.
Charlie: Why, does Miss Evelyn need a cook and a butler, too?
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Alan: Judith and I had to get married at the Sportsmen's Lodge in November on the first Wednesday before Thanksgiving.
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Evelyn: When I was married to your second step-father...
Charlie: The carpet king?
Evelyn: Well I called him that, but it wasn't his profession
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Alan: I really think you need to wake up
Charlie: Shh... Chelsea is sleeping
Alan: Possibly, but not in here
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Total Quotes: 690
