Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer

Pam: How's the elevator supposed to work with a gillion pounds of computers on it?!
Cheryl: Who am I, Elisha Otis?

Krieger: Pam, if you're dumping stuff on the street, you can also dump these.
Pam: What is it?
Krieger: Shattered dreams.
Cheryl: Smells like rotten meat.
Krieger: Also, yes.

Krieger: So, uh have you ever thought about having a baby?
Cheryl: Sometimes I think about adopting a little baby so I could abandon it at a mall.
Krieger: That answers my follow up question.

Cheryl: So, Krieger's a doctor.
Cyril: Not the medical kind!
Krieger: Not even the other kind... technically.

Cheryl: You can't control a person's heart.
Krieger: You can with a little something I like to call a deep cycle marine battery... or LSD.

Ouch, my earballs.

Cheryl: Why don't you go back to Jamaica?
Pam: A) Because I got deported.

Lana: (to Cyril) Seriously, you cheated on me with Carol!?
(Mentioned girl passes by open door)
Cheryl: It's Cheryl!
Lana: (to Cyril) Exactly, I think I made my point.

(Kreiger is choking Carol/Cheryl with his robotic hand)
Carol/Cheryl: (strangled) Kreiger! Grrgh Doopp!! Goont Dooop!
(Kreiger turn off the arm, Carol/Cheryl pants and gasps)
Kreiger: OH GOD! I am so sorry I didn't realize...
Carol/Cheryl: (annoyed) What are you doing? I said "Don't stop!"

Pam: Come on Ms. Archer! You've been in there ten hours, meet us half way and Krieger will let you out of there.
Krieger: Or else he'll crank up the heat again.
Cheryl: I love... that you know how to do that.
Krieger: And I love that I have an erection, that didn't involve homeless people.

(Finding out Carol/Cheryl and Cyril had sex)
Pam: (luaghing) Oh My God hahaha! You two banged?
Cyril: See, here's the thing...um..uh...well..FRUIT BASKET!! (THrows basket at the girls and runs out)
Pam: (to Carol) Wow. You are just a dog in a manger aren't you?
Cheryl: (snarky) I don't know what that means Pam. I wasn't raised on a cheese farm..
Pam: OH FOR THE LOVE OF...(glaring at Carol) It's called a Dairy

No no no no, like a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk and you think, yeah, ok he's going to give me mouth to mouth. Instead, he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation you feel before you die, is that he's squeezing your throat so hard that a big wet blob of drool drips off his teeth and just, plurp, falls right onto your popped out eye ball.

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 38 in total

Archer Quotes

Bloody mary, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now in the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.

Archer

Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.

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