Violet: I slept with Pete! (she pauses) There, I told you.
Cooper: You know, I expected better from you.
Violet: I'm sorry. It just happened -
Cooper: You know what? If that's how you want to play it, fine.
Violet: What are you talking about?
Cooper: When you're ready to be mature and tell me who you really slept with I'll be around for you, Violet.
Violet: I'm not lying to you. I really slept with Pete.
Cooper: Okay. (he steps out the door)
Violet: Where are you going?
Cooper: I don't want to be late for my date with Angelina Jolie.

Cooper: How are you feeling?
Charlotte: I'm on the pill.
Cooper: You're a doctor. You know that's not 100%.
Charlotte: Cooper, I would know if I was pregnant.
Cooper: Cranky.
Charlotte: I'm always cranky.
Cooper: Glowing.
Charlotte: I'm always glowing. Now please, stop stalking me and my womb.

(Charlotte has just taken the pregnancy test and is waiting for the results with Cooper)
Charlotte: Now, all we have to do is wait.
Cooper: Come on. Little Walter? (he pretends to be holding a baby)
Charlotte: Are you trying to be funny?
Cooper: No, that was my grandfather. He was a piano tuner. Maybe he'll play an instrument, maybe the trumpet.
Charlotte: Please. It'll be a girl. Marjorie.
Cooper: Your grandmother?
Charlotte: My horse. Last animal I ever had. I was 15. She broke her ankle and we had to shoot her.

Cooper: Regular normal people are driven to murder every day. Right, love, love will do it every time. Twisted, sick, messed-up love.
Sam: Cooper, Charlotte King is still alive, right?

Cooper (sarcastically): You're in a good mood?!
Charlotte: Your Montgomery's a real star. Cash cow for me today. Really made me look good.
Cooper (sarcastically): I'm glad someone does.
Charlotte: Stop moping! I don't like moping sex!
Cooper: I have a kid with a big head. Turns out he has nothing wrong with him, except he's gonna be mocked, ridiculed and looked down upon for the rest of his life.
Charlotte: And that's your fault?
Cooper: No, that's me. I'm the one who doesn't fit in, who's gonna be first out of the practice just because they don't want me on the team anymore. I'm the big head kid!
Cooper: Oh my God! You are pathetic. You are crazy and pathetic. Big head's not a problem. It's a virtue, moron. You know who had a big head?! Lincoln, JFK, Elvis, Einstein... plenty of people have big heads and they don't sit and mope that they have a big head. So don't you sit and mope that you're a pediatrician. Do your job, do it well, and screw everyone else. You're the big head kid. More power to ya!

The problem is you are a sex toy I found on the Internet.

Cooper: She's crazy cakes!
Violet: That's your diagnosis?
Cooper: Crazy cakes!

Pete, I know your a dad now and the world's a big, scary place, but what the hell is going on?

Dell: I am 25-year-old single father. How am I going to deal with all this?
Cooper: You just love her.

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