Favorite Edie Britt Quotes
(to Gabrielle) You are as tall as my legs. What are you gonna do?
Carlos: Hey, I didn't say we had to stop. I just said we had to be quiet.
Edie: What? I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again.
Carlos: I'm just saying, I don't think that the whole world needs to know our..(Realizing what Edie just said) 12?
Susan: Don't you walk away from me!
Edie: Do we have to do this now?
Susan: Yes, we do. You may have gotten your first diaphragm with milk money, but that doesn't give you the right to corrupt my daughter!
Edie: Look, it's not like I went after Julie and said, "Hey, do you wanna go out for a burger and some birth control?" She came to me.
Susan: You do not get to decide this for her! What were you thinking?! (She hits Edie with the pills)
Edie: Aah! I was thinking, if Julie got knocked up, that--that you and I could become family, and I'm sorry, I cannot take that chance.
Susan: Oh, you know what? It wasn't 'till your rotten nephew came to town that Julie was a perfect kid, and now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex! She's just a boob job away from being you!
Edie: Look, Mayer, Julie has discovered sex. The genie is out of the bottle. And you better be good with it, or you could lose her forever. Cause like it or not, she loves him. And you know what else? He loves her.
(They enter Edie's house and see Austin topless making out with a girl on the couch.)
Edie: Ahem!
(Austin and the girl look up in shock. The girl is Danielle.)
Susan: Okay, first let me say I'm really sorry about the yellowjackets. And also, no matter how mad I am about what I did, I don't want to see you go to prison. So, I came up with the solution. Why don't you just come forward and tell the police that you saw some vagrant lurking by my garage with a can of gasoline. And if you do that then I'll destroy the tape. And then the insurance company will pay the claim. Nobody gets hurt. Does that sound good?
Edie: Come closer.
Susan: Oh, ah.
Edie: Take your stinking deal and shove it!
Susan: Edie!
Edie: Every time something bad happens to me you're standing nearby. Well, I've had it! No more pretending to be friends. When I get out of here, I'm gonna destroy you!
Susan: Okay, I'm just gonna think that this is the meds talking and I'll come back tomorrow.
Edie: Don't bother!
Susan: Okay, Edie. I'm in trouble here.
Edie: Oh, I'm sure you'll turn on the waterworks and the whole neighborhood'll come running. They always do.
Susan: That's not true!
Edie: Sure it is! You never miss an opportunity to play the victim! And you think just because everybody always comes to your rescue, it means that you're loved. Well, it doesn't. It means that you're helpless. Now get out. Just get out.
Gabrielle: Look, I think we all know that Karl is a dog. But let's face it, if these tramps were laying out the buffet, he wouldn't be chowing down!
Susan: Well, every situation is different and it's hard to judge until we know all the details. (all four women stare at Susan)
Susan: Which obviously I don't know, because how would I know. (the women continue staring at Susan)
Susan: She's a slutty, slutty whore, absolutely! (All the women smile and nod)
Edie: Yeah!
Oh Tom please, you've checked out my butt enough times to know that I don't eat pizza.
Edie: (referring to Betty's friendliness) I don't trust friendly women.
Lynette: That's okay, they don't trust you either.
Cyrus: Ms. Britt, you look extra beautiful today.
Edie: Oh, Cyrus, you're so sweet.
Cyrus: So anyhow, I was wondering if maybe I could, uh, take you out to dinner sometime.
Edie: Oh honey... you are so far out of your league that you are playing a completely different sport
Susan: Well, I don't mean to be technical here, but this show, I mean, it really is supposed to be a family thing, and I hate to point out you're not family.
Edie: No, but I have talent, and to most audiences, talent trumps family.
Edie: I'm not talking about Martha. I'm grateful to you.
Susan: Me?
Edie: Yeah, I've been such a bitch to you over the years, and here you are, rowing me out to dump her ashes.
Susan: Well, it's, it's really no, no big deal.
Edie: Yes, it is. You stepped up when nobody else would. And here I am, thinking you have an ulterior motive. God, Susan, you're such a good person. And I'm such a bitch!
Susan: Well, Edie, you're not that bad, and, and, and believe me, I'm, I'm not that good.
Edie: Oh, yes you are.
Susan: Oh, please don't do this.
Edie: Martha may be gone, but the good Lord above has shown me that I'm not alone
Edie: I have told every woman in this town that we are getting married and all you have to say to me is, 'I don't know'?
Karl: What else to do you want me to say? I'm sorry.
Edie: What's going on? Is there someone else? Oh my god!
(Edie drops the note and backs away. She turns around and sees a rake propped against the house. She walks toward the rake)
Karl: Oh, crap.
I hate Susan Mayer. Everytime I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God I just want to go out and shoot a deer
