Listen half pint, I'm not gonna thank you for things you're supposed to do. If I did I'd have to start thanking you for killing bugs and supporting me

Ellie: You totally had sex last night
Jules: How'd you know
Ellie: I'm your best friend, I know these things, plus there's a condom wrapper on your back
Jules: Oh, is it just the one?
Ellie: Good god, Jules

Ellie [about Josh]: He kisses with a perfect seal around you mouth like he's trying to suck your brains out
Jules: I know, but he's gotten so much better
Ellie: That's better?
Josh: I'm gonna get us some more drinks

Ellie: If you don't stop with the hazelnut, I'm gonna make my own coffee
Jules: No you won't
Elie: You're right, even saying it was too much work

[Andy and Ellie watching their sex tape]
Andy: Is my back really that hairy?
Ellie: Yes
Andy: Is this in slow motion?
Ellie: No
Andy: Can we just erase this?
Ellie: Yes

Laurie [about Ellie]: She's hot for a frigid, beastly, elderly woman
Ellie: You think I'm hot
Jules: That worked?
Ellie: Well yeah because if that trashy big lipped slag said it, it might be a little true
Laurie: You think I have big lips? That's really sweet

Jules: Are you watching my sex tape?
Ellie: Yeah, but with the volume off so it's not so weird

Ellie: Why are you out of breath
Jules: Cause I'm sanding down my disgusting elephant heels. With all the shavings here I could make a second foot

Ellie: You know how I take a nap every day from 10 to 11:45?
Jules: Your life is better than mine

Jules: You never go all out for a guy?
Laurie: If I really like a guy I'll stop texting while I do him
Ellie: I wish you were my daughter

Ellie: Great, the girl with three toe rings finds it funny
Laurie: Hey one of them is a tattoo

Ellie: It's your turn, best war story from your twenties.
Jules: Once when I was 22, I had a baby and I stayed home by myself raising him for the rest of my twenties. The end
Andy: Boo!

Cougar Town Quotes

Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.

We're even wearing the same unisex cologne. "Both" by Bruce Jenner.

Laurie