I want a White Christmas. You know, like white people have.

Gloria: Jay, don't forget Joe's new doll.
Jay: Cam and Mitchell, always pushing their agenda.

What is with you Americans and the foot?

Jay: Name two cabinet level positions.
Gloria: That's easier. There's the higher one for the glasses, and the lower one for the pots and the pans.

Nobody likes dancing more than the gays. Pretend you're on a float!


Gloria: He thinks he might be allergic to Stella.
Jay: What? The only reaction this dog gives people is the giggles.

Jay: You know I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

The only thing stronger than Manny's fear is his need to protect his mama.

Jay: I thought your phone was stolen.
Gloria: This is Joe's phone.
Jay: This is why the terrorists hate us.

We’re having a little staycation but with a turkey instead of a steak!

What could be more natural than your mother’s tongue in your ear?

Jay: So you don't think I look like Ben Franklin?
Gloria: Oh yes! That's who it is! The man from the hundred dollar bill. My favorite!

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.