Gloria: He thinks he might be allergic to Stella.
Jay: What? The only reaction this dog gives people is the giggles.

Jay: You know I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

The only thing stronger than Manny's fear is his need to protect his mama.

Jay: I thought your phone was stolen.
Gloria: This is Joe's phone.
Jay: This is why the terrorists hate us.

We’re having a little staycation but with a turkey instead of a steak!

What could be more natural than your mother’s tongue in your ear?

Jay: So you don't think I look like Ben Franklin?
Gloria: Oh yes! That's who it is! The man from the hundred dollar bill. My favorite!

Gloria: Manny's first girlfriend is a senior with a Mustang.
Jay: I'd have put my money on a sophomore with a mustache.

Manny: When you first started dating him, what was his nickname for you?
Gloria: Sexy pants.
Manny: Ew. The other one?
Gloria: Bunny.

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A lot of people assumed that I married you for your money and that’s only a very, very small part of it. I married you because you’re sexy. You still are. Who knows how long that’s going to last for either of us?

Comfort is not everything. My toes have been numb since my Quinceanera.

Jay: I didn't mean for her to get hurt.
Gloria: Not her, he when he realizes not every second wife looks like this.