The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite Helen Lovejoy Quotes
Helen Lovejoy: Oh, Tim, calm down, he's just your old roomate from Texas Christian.
Reverend Lovejoy: He's like the Pope of this thing!! It would be like Mary Kay, visiting you, when you sold her cosmetics. That is if you had, stuck with it.
Helen Lovejoy: You asked me to quit, because I was making more then you.
Helen Lovejoy: (to Homer) You are so blind, even Jesus couldn't heal you.
Reverend Lovejoy: Helen please, don't drop the J-bomb.
Reverend Lovejoy: I have a friend, I mean, a friend of a friend...
Homer: (Very loudly) Sex problem, eh?
Marge: Reverend Lovejoy, our marriage needs this bed!
Helen Lovejoy: Our marriage needs it more!
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, I am reminded of the story of wise King Solomon.
Homer: Pfft. You would be.
(to Helen) You put on the Michael Bolton CD, I'll put on my edible vestments!
Reverend Lovejoy
Helen: Marge? Marge Simpson. You remember me, don't you? I'm Helen Lovejoy, the gossipy wife of the minister.
Marge: Oh, yes. Hello, Helen.
Helen: Well, I had just finished eating and was about to leave, when I looked over this way and said to myself, "Why, isn't that Marge Simpson over there, having brunch with a man who isn't her husband?" (Chuckles) And I just had to come over and say hello.
Marge: We're, um--
Helen: Oh, don't squirm on my account.
Why won't someone blame the children?
(Using the phone, Ned Flanders seeks some counsel in the middle of the night.)
Ned: Hello, Reverend Lovejoy?
Helen Lovejoy: (Yawns) No. This is Mrs. Lovejoy. (Sighs) Just a minute. (Covers the phone) Honey. Honey, wake up. It sounds like Ned Flanders is having some sort of crisis.
Reverend Lovejoy: (Groans) Probably stepped on a worm.
(Helen Lovejoy and Maude Flanders arrive at Marge's doorstep)
Helen: Get dressed, Marge. You've got to lead our protest against this abomination! (Shows Marge a newspaper with the Statue of David on the cover)
Marge: Hmm, but that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece.
Helen: (Gasps) It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body which, practical as they may be, are evil.
Marge: But I like that statue.
Maude: (Gasps) I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.
Lovejoy: Come on Homer what are her faults?
Homer: Well sometimes she can be annoying!
Marge: Oh Homer.
Lovejoy: Now Marge, don't interrupt, you'll get your turn.
Homer: I'm done.
Lovejoy: Okay, Marge.
Marge: Well its not that I don't love the guy, I'm always sticking up for him, it's just that he's so self-centered. He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. He chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and low lifes.
Homer: Oh it's true!
Lovejoy: Homer don't interrupt.
Marge: He blows his nose on the towels and then puts them back in the middle!
Homer: I only did that a couple of times!
Bart: Hello, my name's Dimitri. I'm a first-time caller, long-time listener. My question is, if a son defies his father and chooses a career that makes millions of children happy; shouldn't the father forgive the son?
Rev. Lovejoy: I think so.
Msgr. D: Yes, of course.
Rabbi Krustofsky: No way! Absolutely not! Never, never! Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? There's nobody in charge? They leave a building without people watching it...
Lovejoy: I do a radio call-in show with him every Sunday night!
Bart: Really?
Lisa: I didn't know that.
Lovejoy: Gee, uh, I mention it in my sermon every week.
Bart: Oh, oh, that radio show!
Lisa: Oh yeah! It's all the kids talk about on Monday at school.
Lovejoy: Oh, well, why don't you have a free t-shirt. You'll be the coolest kids in the playground!
Bart: He, he we'll put 'em on later -- now.
