The family needs a leader, and I can't do it forever. You can handle it.

The minute they got rid of rotary phones, everything went to hell.

How'd you get in my phone? Does this mean that when we talked the other day, you knew I was in the can?

Lot of attitude from a guy whose date is a tub of ice cream and a fuzzy robe. You're spending Valentine's Day in a Cathy comic.

As loud as these 2 are, they move like cats.

Whats next you're gonna dress her in fishnets? Put her in a window in Amsterdam? Just keep it casual!

This is a place of business. She needs to throw a tarp over those bounce houses.

Mitchell: Wow remember when you dropped me off at summer camp? You barely slowed down the car.
Jay: You never had a condition that made it difficult to breathe.
Mitchell: I was a closeted gay kid at sports camp. I spent the week in mid-faint.

Manny: You know now that I think about it, I could be allergic to Stella. I've been a little stuff since we got her.
Jay: You were stuffy long before that. Do you not remember scolding that waiter at Chuck E Cheese for serving you from the right.

Gloria: He thinks he might be allergic to Stella.
Jay: What? The only reaction this dog gives people is the giggles.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay: You know I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?