By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay: You know I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

Can you not make this fear worse? I watched Dede coddle Mitchell when he was afraid of the dark. Until he was 7 he would only blink one eye at a time. It gave a lot girls the wrong impression.

Jay: I thought your phone was stolen.
Gloria: This is Joe's phone.
Jay: This is why the terrorists hate us.

Leaving Phil with a car salesman is like covering a baby goat in barbecue sauce and dropping it in the middle of the Serengeti.

Jay: Where were you when I was growing up? I'd of had your dice and cigarettes before you got to homeroom.
Manny: Where'd you go to school? "Guys and Dolls?"

I get that Thanksgiving is an big day for families that don't see each other, but we're together nonstop.

Do you think we could just go downstairs and throw money at this and it would go away? I'm asking you, do you think that would work?

Jay: So you don't think I look like Ben Franklin?
Gloria: Oh yes! That's who it is! The man from the hundred dollar bill. My favorite!

People say clothes make the man but that makes no sense. What makes the man is a nice head of hair. Dammit it's like a phantom limb.

You do this every time. You go as a princess, I have to go as some freak. You're a beauty, I'm the beast. You're Beyonce, I'm...that guy.