Do you think we could just go downstairs and throw money at this and it would go away? I'm asking you, do you think that would work?

Jay: So you don't think I look like Ben Franklin?
Gloria: Oh yes! That's who it is! The man from the hundred dollar bill. My favorite!

People say clothes make the man but that makes no sense. What makes the man is a nice head of hair. Dammit it's like a phantom limb.

You do this every time. You go as a princess, I have to go as some freak. You're a beauty, I'm the beast. You're Beyonce, I'm...that guy.

Earl: I banged your ex wife!
Jay: If you banged Dede, I DO owe you an apology!

That's right, my boy's datin' her. He's datin' her real good.

Gloria: Manny's first girlfriend is a senior with a Mustang.
Jay: I'd have put my money on a sophomore with a mustache.

Said it since day one. The only thing coordinated about this kid is his outfits.

Stress is all a part of football. If you're not throwing up in your mouth, you're not doing it right.

That's the fourth Hawaiian shirt he's lost. I'm telling you this is a Dateline story waiting to happen!

Jay: I didn't mean for her to get hurt.
Gloria: Not her, he when he realizes not every second wife looks like this.

This whole persnickety thing is not gonna fly in the world. Never hand people another reason to make fun of you.

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.