You do this every time. You go as a princess, I have to go as some freak. You're a beauty, I'm the beast. You're Beyonce, I'm...that guy.

Earl: I banged your ex wife!
Jay: If you banged Dede, I DO owe you an apology!

That's right, my boy's datin' her. He's datin' her real good.

Gloria: Manny's first girlfriend is a senior with a Mustang.
Jay: I'd have put my money on a sophomore with a mustache.

Said it since day one. The only thing coordinated about this kid is his outfits.

Stress is all a part of football. If you're not throwing up in your mouth, you're not doing it right.

That's the fourth Hawaiian shirt he's lost. I'm telling you this is a Dateline story waiting to happen!

Jay: I didn't mean for her to get hurt.
Gloria: Not her, he when he realizes not every second wife looks like this.

This whole persnickety thing is not gonna fly in the world. Never hand people another reason to make fun of you.

Gloria: I don't eat anything unless I know what's in it.
Jay: I've once seen this woman scarf down a pig's nose.

It's a good time to tell you I dropped Luke on his head when he was one.

Mitchell: This is how Cam's dad sees me, like some fawning damsel.
Jay: If anything, Cam's the damsel.
Mitchell: Dad! Thanks.

Modern Family Quotes

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay