Favorite Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a colour man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do you like?
George: Movies. I like to watch movies.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah.
George: Do they pay people to watch movies?
George: That's true.
Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector.
Jerry: And it's probably a union thing.
George: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports, movies what about a talk show host?
Jerry: Talk show host. That's good.
George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
George: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?
Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky.
George: You can't just walk into a building and say "I wanna be a talk show host".
Jerry: I wouldn't think so.
George: It's all politics.
Jerry: All right, okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?
George: This could have been a huge mistake.
Jerry: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.
(to Monya) These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor.
Kramer (Kessler): You got any meat?
Jerry: Meat? I don't, I don't know, go hunt!
I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense.. am I wrong?
Jerry: He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.
George: Oh, no, no, no. I pay what I say.
Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This (pointing to himself) is an idiot.
George: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Roxanne: (Yelling out the window) You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.
I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go, "Excuse me; I'm not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone "You can't talk to me like that!" (Jerry searches for the 'off' button on his mimed phone, and presses it feebly, in a comedic sort of way) "I told him!"
George: Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Can't I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things.
Jerry: You should just do it like a band-aid: one motion, right off!
I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some sort of "excuse Rolodex."
Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed I'm sure he's got super humor.
(opening bit) I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these... is this of any value at all?
Jerry: So, do you date immature men?
Vanessa: Almost exclusively.