Favorite Julie Mayer Quotes
This baby's working on her black belt.
Julie: So, why did they send you to juvie anyway?
Austin: They didn't. My mom did.
Julie: Why?
Austin: She had this boyfriend. No job, big drunk, real catch. One night he pops her one, so I break a chair over his head, and, uh, and she calls the copson me.
Julie: But you were protecting her.
Austin: Yeah, that's what I thought. But the guy said he'd leave if she didn't press charges and, well, my mom doesn't really like to be alone.
Julie: Normally I charge twelve bucks an hour for tutoring, but seeing as it's you...fifteen!
Austin: Great. See you Friday. Oh! And just so you know, I charge fifteen an hour to make out, so I'll probably beak even.
Austin: Mouthwash, toothpaste. Did someone get an anonymous e-mail?
Julie: Said the boy with the economy-size acne cream.
(Susan confronts Julie with a can of beer.)
Julie: Oh, it was Austin's, okay? I was tutoring him, he brought beer, I told him to throw it out and he did, end of story.
Susan: Did you have any?
Julie doesn't answer and turns around.
Susan: I cannot believe this.
Julie: That's it! Go to your room and finish packing. This conversation is over!
Susan: The last time I checked, I was the parent.
Julie: The last time I checked, I was the daughter who never gave you any reason to doubt her. And don't play the parent card with me! I just finished packing your suitcase, doing your laundry and balancing your checkbook! And now I'm going to the store to buy your toothpaste.
Karl: (About Ian) Fine, that's it, all right? I forbid you to see this guy!
Susan: What?! No! I don't take orders from you!
Julie: Mum has a point, dad. You can't tell her who she can or can't date. It's her choice.
Susan: Exactly, thank you! Wait, no, that does not apply to you!
Karl: You know if you don't care about my feelings, I don't know what I'm doing here!
Susan: Your feelings?! My God! You are the worst bad cop ever!
Susan: (to Julie) Go to your room! (Austin follows) Not you!
Susan: Julie, that boy drinks, he steals, and now I find him mauling you on my couch? That's it! Julie Alexandra Mayer, I forbid you to see him!
Julie: You can't do that! I choose who I date. You don't!
Susan: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I don't, but I do choose to ground you. Two weeks, baby. No more.
Julie: Fine. I'll just see him at school, then.
Susan: Well, then maybe you won't go to school. I'll home school you.
Julie: Right. You're gonna teach me trig? You can't even balance your own checkbook.
Susan: Yes, and you will be poorly educated, and you won't get into college, and you will work for minimum wage for the rest of your life, and all because of that boy! I hope you're happy!
Julie: Mom, I like this guy, and I'm sorry if it makes you unhappy, but I'm going to keep seeing him no matter what. So don't try to stop me!
Susan: I'm out of lipstick. Can I borrow yours?
Julie: Sure. (hands her her lipstick)
Susan: Cherry berry?
Julie: Austin likes the way it tastes.
Susan: Oh, I so did not need to know that.
Edie: Julie, sweetie. You're a good girl. Do yourself a favor and stay away from my nephew.
Julie: Trust me, I have no interest in swaggering, muscle-bound juvenile delinquents.
Edie: Honey, that's what every good girl says, just before she becomes a bad girl. Trust me, I know.
(Julie and Austin are talking about having sex, Susan walks in and they stop)
Susan: Hi!
Austin: Hi.
(Awkward silence)
Susan: Bye!
Austin & Julie: (Smiling) Bye.
Susan: (tense) Why were you two talking about condoms?
Julie: Why were you eavesdropping?
Susan: Don't change the subject. Are you two having sex? Because I thought I raised you to be smarter than that. (more tense): Don't you realize that sex is not fun and games? It's dangerous!! Every time you turn around there's a new disease! Do you want it to burn when you pee?
Julie: Mom.
Susan: Sex kills!
Julie: MOM!!!
Susan: WHAT?!!
Julie: I'm not having sex.
Susan: Really?
Julie: Really.
Susan: (Relieved) Oh, thank god.
(They hug)
Susan: If you're not having sex, why were you talking about condoms?
Susan is picking out a dress to wear to Jane's funeral.
Susan: It's not about me, this is about Jane and Ian. What if I wore this one?
Julie: Then it'll be about Jane, Ian and your boobs.
Susan: I have got to get more depressing clothes.
