Larry David Quotes
Phyliss: I'm finally in the house that Jerry Seinfeld built!
Larry: With his own hands, and some hammers, he actually worked on it, like Jimmy Carter
Larry [on Jerry Seinfeld]: He's a eunuch. Yes, his testicles were cut of when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy.
Phyliss: Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles?
Julia: You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any fuckin' idea
Larry: What's the guy, four years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that?!
Cheryl: He's a fan.
Larry: What does he expect to gain from such meeting? What does he think, he's gonna go over there, she's gonna be so charmed by him that all of a sudden they'll start becoming friends? They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together, go to the movies? What, start e-mailing each others' summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind!?
Why are you listening to me? I don't know what I'm talking about
Male Parking Attendant: "The bald guy with the glasses." That's you?
Larry: Unfortunately, that's me
Doctor: What's this?
Larry: A splint. My wife made it.
Doctor: A plastic knife? Were you at a picnic when you injured yourself?
Richard: How can you not help a blind man?
Larry: How can you say "blind man" in front of a blind man?
[Women] can't just have sex with any man, they have to really love the man to get involved with their--with their penis, with their grotesque--with their grotesque penis
Larry: Excuse me. sir, could you do me a favor? I'm going to dial a number. If a woman answers the phone, just hang up, and if a man answers, hand it back.
Man with Cellphone: Are you putting me on?
Larry: No.
Man with Cellphone: What is this about? What are you...
Larry: I hate my friend's girlfriend. I don't want to talk to her
Cheryl: Larry, please, it's fine. I don't know what you want me to say to you.
Larry: How about, "honey, I forgive you, would you like to have sex?"
Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back? Can you bend over? Can you bend with your back?
Larry: Yeah.
Brian: Well, then maybe you should bend over and kiss my ass, and maybe next time you'll remember to, uh, pick up the fucking golf ball
Cheryl: I want to go home, now.
Larry: Maybe we could stop and pick up some Tabasco?
