Stan Sitwell: Five percent? Lucille actually gave you less than her natural children.
Lindsay: I hope that's not a crack about my hair color, lips, forehead, nose and teeth because at least I'm not the wearing a round sweater set on my face.

Michael: So, you just finished off the bottle?
Lindsay: Well, I had to. It's vodka, you know. It goes bad once it's opened.
Michael: I think that's another one of mum's little fibs. You know, like, I'll sacrifice anything for my children.

Michael: So, there's going to be wine at the rehab, huh?
Lindsay: Well, wine only turns into alcohol if you let it sit.
Michael: (to Lucille) How do you come up with these?

Lindsay: Well, you know, maybe I would be more attracted to you if you were in better shape. You know, if you were just more muscular and masculine. Does that make me shallow?
Tobias: No. I was going to say the same thing to you.

Lindsay: Oh, you know what? I've already prepared a list of "won'ts."
Tobias: Oh, you're not going to believe this. My list is of "can'ts."
Michael: Marital love can be so romantic.

Lindsay: Well, why don't you just go to Dad and ask him who Nellie is, point-blank?
Michael: So, he can just cover it up and lie? I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family.
Tobias: Oh, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.
Michael: Ok, but that's the last one.

Michael: That might be an older sister that we've never met.
Lindsay: Wow! Look at the beak on that bird.

Michael: Lindsay, I can tell that it's real. It's like that feeling that you read about twins having.
Lindsay: We're twins. You didn't give me access to the banking.
Michael: No, you'd just ... you'd go out, and you'd just whore it up Lindsay, you know? Now, she's different. She's a little bit more like me. It's like we finish each other's --
Lindsay: Sandwiches.
Michael: ... Sentences. Why would I say --
Lindsay: Sandwiches.
Michael: (nods) That time, I was going to say sandwiches.

All they're doing in there is trying to keep people alive. It's a life mill!

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