Lucille: Michael. What a surprise.
Michael: Really? Were you expecting somebody else? Maybe, uh, one of your two daughters?
Lucille: Oh, Lindsay and Tobias never visit.
Brian: Hope you don't mind me saying, but these things can go on indefinitely. My mother's been in that bed for two years.
Lucille: (gasps) Oh, how awful. We don't have a private room.
Michael: Gob, pal, how about you? Can you find some work?
Gob: Oh, sure, Michael. As what, a waiter? Can I get you something, madam?
Lucille: I will have a vodka, though.
(Lucille and Gob laugh)
Gob: What? Oh.
Michael: You know, if you'd ever accidentally worked a day in your life, you'd know that there's no indignity in it.
Gob: Great. She'll have a vodka.
Lucille: Everything looks delicious.
Warden Gentles: Oh, One Eye is a wonderful chef. I've had to go to his parole hearings twice and lie through my teeth to keep him here.
I want to cry so badly, but I don't think I can spare the moisture.
Lucille: I'm trying to seduce him.
Michael: Who's the "I" in that sentence?
Lucille: You can smuggle yourself out because I'm staying in the conjugal trailer with Warden Gentles.
George, Sr.: Him?
Lucille: Where's your hand?
Buster: I'm having my high school ring put on it. And my hook is stuck in the stair car.
Michael: I am getting married.
George Sr.: Who the hell to?
Michael: Who do you think? Rita.
Lucille: I think he's being sarcastic, Gob.
Buster/Larry: No, I'm not, mother. I mean, lover. I like making love to mother ... I mean, lover.
Gob: Oh, my god, Buster. Is that you?
Buster/Larry: ... Yes.
Bob: Somebody tipped them off that the property wasn't ready for building
Lucille:Which it would have been if Michael wasn't so busy with his English muffin.
Lucille: I need a drink.
Buster: I'll take an English muffin.
Lucille: What the hell did you do?
Buster: You curious, Mom? I can show you. (shows his fake hand)
Lucille: You made a mistake. You're human.. except for the hand.
Gob: It's okay, she's alive. And soft. Soft and alive. (caressing Rita's hand)
Lucille: All right, let's not add that to the charges.