Phil: Well good morning Leonard.
Luke: Leonard?
Phil: I know it's not the well-behaved son Luke who'd never take our car out without a license and get arrested.

Phil: Then today it's, "everything I can do you can do better."
Luke: No, I can't.
Phil: Yes, you can.

Luke: What are you constantly looking at on your computer?
Alex: Is that a question you really want people asking around here?

Manny: Hey, that's my bike!
Luke: We're all making sacrifices. I'm wearing a monokini.

Manny: And just like that, it disappears.
Luke: In his defense, the water is really cold.

Haley got married? She is in so much trouble!

Lesson learned- when pressure builds to dangerous levels, it must be released.

Alex: Sex is confusing for young people and she doesn't need to learn about it from two fuzz staches who barely know anything themselves!
Luke: Excuse me, you might want to check my browser history. I've done some research.

Luke [to Lily]: Okay a boy and a girl meet a frat party and they both think each other is totally hot. So they pound their beers and head upstairs-
Manny: Luke! Stop. She's not hearing this from you.

It's a body spray called Sex Grenade. One of the divorced dad's in the hotel recommended it.

Claire: This cold stops with me. Why do you think I swapped beds with Luke last night?
Phil: You did?
Luke: Appreciated the back rub. Not sure I loved being called Miss Thang.
Phil: Nooooo!

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Luke: Move!
Haley: You have plenty of room!
Luke: No, move out. You're 40!

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.