For the record, I do all my own wiping.

Alex: He keeps asking me to hand him all of the instruments, he wants me to act like a nurse.
Luke: Now it sounds like a date in Haley's life.

Haley: Okay so after a quick scan of his facebook, twitter, tumblr, pinterest and instagram, this is what I know.
Luke: Privacy is dead?

I'm not adorable, I'm getting a mustache.

Wouldn't you rather have toast that's already buttered?

Phil: What did I say about eating things for money?
Luke: Charge the most and people will think you're worth it.

You're never off the court!

Classmate: Why is it taking you so long? How hard is it for you to paint a wall?
Luke: A lot harder than your so-called singing. At least this is supposed to be flat.

And the birthday video becomes a nature film.

Manny: Does anyone care that I'm not from Mexico?
Luke: You keep saying that but we've never seen a birth certificate.

Manny: Luke I need you for this. You're sneakier than I am, you a bigger liar, you have no moral compass.
Luke: Look thanks for all the compliments, but breaking into one stupid party? That's not even a challenge.

Wake up Delgado, locked box, from Columbia, no more questions, it's obviously a human head.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.