Phil: Remember the great Kevin Bacon on footloose?
Luke: More like Foot-loser.

Dad I was with you on the tight rope, I was your wingman at the wing eating competition, but I’m not feeling this one. You’re missing Christmas Eve.

Manny: You know what’s super helpful? When the guy in line behind you calls you Mount Sweatmore.
Luke: I was trying to relax you.

Phil: Who says people at the closet convention get all the fun?
Luke: No one, no one says that.

Well there was this girl on the 16-year-old team who wasn't wearing a bra, so that was cool.

You know, I've got problems of my own. I can't always be the lovable sidekick on the manny show. Did you even notice I'm binge eating?

For the record, I do all my own wiping.

Alex: He keeps asking me to hand him all of the instruments, he wants me to act like a nurse.
Luke: Now it sounds like a date in Haley's life.

Haley: Okay so after a quick scan of his facebook, twitter, tumblr, pinterest and instagram, this is what I know.
Luke: Privacy is dead?

I'm not adorable, I'm getting a mustache.

Wouldn't you rather have toast that's already buttered?

Phil: What did I say about eating things for money?
Luke: Charge the most and people will think you're worth it.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, whom apparently the drink was named after
Phil: Oh come, they were funny
Claire: They kept grabbing my butt
Phil: Somebody is full of herself. It's a Colombian wedding tradition.. they said