Lynette: Huh. That's weird.
Tom: What?
Lynette: I have an "Isn't that Ironic?" app that usually buzzes when people say stuff like that.

Lynette: You tidied up the dead guy?
Bree: I felt it was respectful at the time.

Come in! And don't be an axe murderer.

My son eats waffsicles!

You had me at stupid girlfriend.

What is that... 5 guys in a week? Is she starting a basketball team?

The last guy who saw me naked told me not to wait too long around pap smears.
 

Renee: Oh my God, look at your hair!
Lynette: Do you like it?
Renee: Is it permanent?
Lynette: No.
Renee: Then I love it!

This one kept knocking me up so I won't get to be nostalgic until I'm 90.

Lynette: I thought you had a date with Ben.
Renee: He cancelled again. Some stupid real estate project for the poor. Bastard.

Let the dating begin.

You can't marry that sunflower seed.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain. She knew red was her color. She knew diamonds went with everything and she knew men were all the same. But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else...she would never want children. Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband, Carlos, felt differently. Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt she didn't want to be a mother, but what she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father, or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months. Or that within one week's time, she'd be pregnant

Mary Alice