Lynette: Huh. That's weird.
Tom: What?
Lynette: I have an "Isn't that Ironic?" app that usually buzzes when people say stuff like that.

Lynette: You tidied up the dead guy?
Bree: I felt it was respectful at the time.

Come in! And don't be an axe murderer.

My son eats waffsicles!

You had me at stupid girlfriend.

What is that... 5 guys in a week? Is she starting a basketball team?

The last guy who saw me naked told me not to wait too long around pap smears.
 

Renee: Oh my God, look at your hair!
Lynette: Do you like it?
Renee: Is it permanent?
Lynette: No.
Renee: Then I love it!

This one kept knocking me up so I won't get to be nostalgic until I'm 90.

Lynette: I thought you had a date with Ben.
Renee: He cancelled again. Some stupid real estate project for the poor. Bastard.

Let the dating begin.

You can't marry that sunflower seed.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

(narrating) The world is filled with good fathers. How do we recongnize them? They are the ones who are missed so terribly, everything falls apart in their absence. (Shot of Andrew and Bree packing his suitcase, placing a photo of Rex inside last.) They are the ones who love us, long before we even arrive. (Shot of Carlos smiling as he rubs Gabrielle's stomach.) They are the ones who come looking for us, when we can't find our way home. (Shot of Mike walking Bongo as he looks at a flyer of Zach's) Yes, the world is filled with good fathers. And the best are the ones who make the women in their lives feel like good mothers (Shot of Tom comforting Lynette as she cries)

Mary Alice