Lynette: Huh. That's weird.
Tom: What?
Lynette: I have an "Isn't that Ironic?" app that usually buzzes when people say stuff like that.

Lynette: You tidied up the dead guy?
Bree: I felt it was respectful at the time.

Come in! And don't be an axe murderer.

My son eats waffsicles!

You had me at stupid girlfriend.

What is that... 5 guys in a week? Is she starting a basketball team?

The last guy who saw me naked told me not to wait too long around pap smears.
 

Renee: Oh my God, look at your hair!
Lynette: Do you like it?
Renee: Is it permanent?
Lynette: No.
Renee: Then I love it!

This one kept knocking me up so I won't get to be nostalgic until I'm 90.

Lynette: I thought you had a date with Ben.
Renee: He cancelled again. Some stupid real estate project for the poor. Bastard.

Let the dating begin.

You can't marry that sunflower seed.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

So you're just not gonna talk to me, is that it? Fine. I don't need to talk. Okay. Yes, I had a little affair. It wasn't the best thing to do, and I'm not proud of it. But it's not the worst thing that could have happened. Nobody died. Oh, don't be such a martyr, Carlos. Okay, it takes two people. How many times did you go off on your little business trips and leave me alone? See, so technically, you cheated, too. It's just your mistress was your work.

Gabrielle